## Monday, December 14, 2009

### Santa won't be pooping in my Christmas tree!

Its Christmas time~! I want to share my wish list with everyone just in case you want to purchase something for me! I’m not greedy or vain but I know how much each of you loves me and wants to purchase high end electronics for me during this time of giving.

1. A 52” 1080p Plasma HI Def TV
2. Two attractive female Asian twins over the age of 21 as concubines.
3. The playboy mansion all bills paid.
4. A ping pong ball
5. Scuba flippers.
6. Rights to the Sam Addams brewery.
7. New Socks
8. $45,000,000 tax free 9. A better sense of humor to come up with something funny to write. Just kidding, I actually was thinking about the holidays and this time of year and realized how much it fucking sucks! Seriously, I am out buying really cool stuff that I won’t ever get to use. I’ve bought in the past everything from Artwork to fine wine. But typically what I get in return for giving these super awesome gnarly gifts is only a sadden knowledge that they will most likely never enjoy that gift as much as I would have. But I have to remind myself that this is not the season to think about me but to think about others and those less fortunate than myself. Like people who live where there is no Starbucks. One thing I do enjoy though is that every year I participate in the Angel Tree Gifts for Kids program sponsored by the Salvation Army. As a child my family grew up with meager means but usually had a pretty fun Christmas, my parents did their best with what they had to ensure we had a few gifts under the tree each year. This was a tough thing at times because there were five of us greedy little bastards running around. One year though for reasons I can’t remember my siblings and I received charity much like that of the Angel tree. If it was the Angel Tree program I don’t recall but I remember opening gifts that were not wrapped with the wrapping paper dad had stashed in the back of the demon closet. Yes we had a demon closet at least that was what I was convinced lived in the back of my parents walk in closet. This closet had the ability to never fill no matter how much stuff you shoved in it. The closet always smelled strange like burning wire, oh and you could dig through clothes and shoes for hours and never find the carpet. Actually when my mother moved out of that house it took my brother and myself a few days to dig everything out of that closet. It was a portal from the “other side” to transport junk from the 70’s. I’m not sure but my brother at one point seemed to be grabbed by something and had to fight it off and in the end we had to clean ectoplasm off the walls. Ok, maybe that is a bit of an exaggeration, but still it was a rather troubling experience. Back to my point that as a child I experienced the charity of others and it has inspired me in my early adult life to give back to children in need. Every year I invest in this program and so I was out looking for that specially cool gift that I wouldn’t get to play with to give to a child in need I was forced into venturing into the chasm of shit that is Wal-Mart. We have had the talk about how much I hate this place and that I really hope Sam Walton is in some sort of hell for the demonic thing he created. So upon entering the parking lot I start to dodge the traffic and decide it best to park at the mini strip mall at the end of the parking lot and walk to the beast swallowing people and spitting others out it’s shit colored doors. As I get close I hear the familiar ring of the most annoying bell ever created in the world. You know the one I’m talking about, it is the one that has the people standing next to a hanging bucket shaking a bell designed by mad scientist to induce a maddening psychosis that causes you to go to extremes to make them stop ringing. Most give money without asking for anything, they are dumb. I put a dollar in the bucket and like any transaction I expect a product for the money I spend so I ask for the bell. Do you know that some of them will actually give it to you? It’s amazing when it works, it is better than winning the lottery! Then some sick part of you wants to ring the damn thing as well. I think it has a curse built into the bell that demands it’s wielder to ring it. When I asked for the bell I was told no, so I entered the store slightly saddened that I didn’t get to take the damn bell and save the world from a sound that will cause mass murder and rage inside the store over who gets the last box of Honey Combs. Inside it is a typical situation, one might refer to it as a “mad house” but I don’t think of it as that as all. I look at it as a explosives factory ready to blow up because that fucking bell already lit the fuse. I make it through the store with little trouble and exit to the sound of that son of a bitch ringing that bell as fast as he can. It was like he was attempting to find out how many rings it takes to get Santa to actually show up. What strikes me funny is the two sidedness of the season. There is the side that says it's about the spirit and yet it is also the backbone of the American shopping season. A major portion of sales for retailers happen during this time of year so to compete with each other and to do this they all toss up commercials and adds that depict Christmas attire and special holiday savings. I fell prey to this ideology during “Black Friday”. No, I did not fight the crowds for door buster savings, I instead logged onto the internet and started surfing as fast as my fingers and internet connection would let me. I found something out about myself when it comes to shopping for cool things I know I’ll never get to play with. Those gifts I mentioned earlier that I know will not be enjoyed by those who receive them as much as I would have. I am a cheap son of a bitch! I had multiple screens running comparing prices and getting the best deals on the web, I bought for most of the 15 plus people on my life and didn’t break$100.00. I’m awesome I know! ! ! Anyway I often find that I am offended like many people that the holidays seem to be about commercialism and not about the true spirit of caring for your friends and family along with giving to those less fortunate. So I started to think about how I felt about this situation and I’ve come up with a simple solution for me and I’ve slept really good now that I’ve settled this for myself. My solution was that I don’t give a fuck. I decided that I will give to those I want to give to and this year I would buy myself Christmas gifts! Yep I am my own Santa this year! I’ve already bought myself gifts, wrapped them then unwrapped them and rewrapped them again! It’s been fun almost surprising myself with something special. I figure that I will only have a few years of my adult life where I will not be obligated to a child or a family that I will want to give stuff too and so this year it’s all about me. I say its time we all play Santa to ourselves! So what is you want this year? Is it a hooker that will say yes to everything? If so be sure you said yes to those condom commercials you’ve been seeing on TV. If your idea of a gift for yourself is a pair of scuba flipper and a snorkel, condoms, smokes and a microwave dinner then I say go for it you sick fuck. I don’t want to know what the snorkel is for, though I have an idea what the flippers are for and I have to say I like your style.

So folks enjoy this time of year, it only comes around once every twelve months. Buy yourself something nice, kinky, stupid or just fun. But remember that this time of year is about joy so I don’t want to hear any of this crap about how the holidays get you down. Don’t let it, find something to bring a smile to your face. Believe it or not the thing that brings the most joy for me is giving back to the Angel Tree. I know that is a hard thing to imagine about me since I did just buy myself gifts from Santa, but really it is something I truly love doing. Find what brings joy to your life and let that be what Christmas is about. Don’t let it be about a religion or a store or an ideology, but simply let it be.

P.S. Each of you should watch The Muppets Christmas Carol, if you don't Santa will come poop in your Christmas Tree.

## Tuesday, December 1, 2009

### Not even four boobs could make me want to tip her.

Many of you have realized by now that I have had a few adventures and a couple encounters with the opposite sex. I find that I fair decently at attracting attention and maintaining said attention until I decide it’s time for it to end. Saturday night a couple of good friends were at my home for a visit, which turned into a few drinks, which turned into a trip to the local strip bar. As a man I have the primal urge to spend all of my paycheck to see girls get naked…. Oh wait no I don’t.

It started out as a simple conversation with Brandon and a good friend that went horribly wrong about two beers in. Our friend Seth announces that we are all going to the “titty bar”. Now the local den of sin is one of glitz and glamour… by glitz I mean sagging worn out boobs and by glamour I mean cheap watered down beer. Most strip bars you visit too be entertained by surgically enhanced girls with low self-esteem and major daddy issues. But this establishment specializes in finding the rejected women of a local meth house. These are the girls that allows you to see just how far the American dollar can get you, and it’s never pretty.

There are moments in ones life when a man is forced to take lemons and make… well, someone scream in pain by squeezing the juice into someone else’s eyes! I chose to make this one of those moments. I returned to my table to find Seth and Brandon were joined by a man named George. George is a guy that you would expect to find at a strip bar, drinking his 7 and seven thinking it makes him more attractive and intelligent. To me though he was just another bumbling idiot that reminded me why there should be an application for people to breed. George happens to be seated next to me at this table and takes the opportunity to make things as uncomfortable as possible by asking a simple question. “Do I have good arms for a man my age? Go ahead feel them!” He says as he is trying to flex his rather thin arms. As I stare in the face of this balding middle aged man who has a wondering eye flexing his arm trying to match his masculinity against my own I say. “George, I don’t swing that way. But thanks” I then hear the laugh that will haunt my nightmares for decades to come. It was something that he had to have practiced for years. This laugh was half chuckle and half cartoon demon laughing; I still can’t decide which it really is. Seth was kind enough to take George’s mind off of me before I said something rude, which was fine with me because this freed me up to notice all the disgusting things going on for a dollar.

I don’t know if Brandon ever got a text message or not, but I do know that I left that night knowing that I had gained nothing more than an appreciation for most of the girls I’ve dated in the past and a slight loathing for them too. They were never happy with just a dollar…. Maybe I should date a stripper and keep a stack of dollar bills lying around for when I take her outside.

## Monday, November 30, 2009

### Jack Frost Pimp Slapped Me Today!

Son of a bitch it was cold this morning, I woke to find the first real frost of the year had settled on my jeep. A big middle finger from Jack Frost I suppose was in order as the first thing I said as I stepped out my door was “FUUHHHCCKKK K K K K!” My body wasn’t ready for the cold that struck it like a Mack Truck hitting a squire too dumb to get out of the way… wait that’s a bad analogy. More like the girl back in Wichita whom I had forgotten her name. I found out that night actually how strange that really is. It never seems so bad in the movies, but in real life… awkward! So in the spirit of the winter setting in finally I have updated my blog and I hope you like the newly upgraded fancy high tech super cool….. Ah crap I used a freaking free download program to change the page and make it look like it’s snowing. I figured I wouldn’t get away with the half naked strippers dancing on the page so this was the next best thing. A new post will be up soon, look for it in the next day or so!

## Monday, November 23, 2009

### It’s Thanksgiving, so be thankful you ungrateful puss bags!

All the things I’m thankful for!

During this wonderful time of year of food, family, friends and festivities I feel I must join the masses and let everyone know how great my life is and how sucky I hope yours is by stating all the things I have to be thankful for!

I am thankful for many things in life, too many in fact to name them all here or explain why I am thankful for them. But I hope to share a few and perhaps next year I will revisit this topic and expand on the items I neglect this time around. These are in no particular order as I cannot in good conscious say I am more thankful for one thing over the rest, as a result of this there will not be the list of 1. through 20. No I will keep it simple for us, so come along and perhaps you will find you are thankful for some of the same things I am. Perhaps you and I are not so different…

I am thankful for my bed which I now sit and write this list, it has provided many nights of blissful sleep and also a stage to shag women who have been gracious enough to whore themselves out to me without charge besides the soul devouring dates and nagging conversations that have absolutely no relevance to anything in my life.
I am thankful that the mattress has held up to me collapsing on it night after self loathing night for staying in the job I have. I am also thankful to Gain Detergent for getting the stains out. (I’ll let you just guess what the stains are, I bet you have them on your sheets too)

I’m thankful for stoplights, without these the dumb ass ignorant fucks who drive in this town and yours wouldn’t understand the simple concept of the four way stop intersection. On the flip side, I am thankful for the dumb ass ignorant fucks because they help me understand that evolution is real and it has passed them by and chose me to understand the complexities of traffic signs.

I am thankful for the stupid fat kid at the grocery store that was whining about not getting the “ho’ ho’s” because I am inspired to be an advocate for youth exercise programs in public school. I am also thankful for the morbidly, sickeningly, vomit inducing fat disgusting example of a mother that was trying to reach the powdered donuts with her cane from her motor scooter. I’m thankful not because she caused me to puke up my Spicy Italian sandwich from Subway (not the healthiest I know, but don’t worry the fat nasty woman helped me with that) but because she inspires me to take better care of myself and aim to make it to her ripe old age of I’d guess of thirty five and not need a motor scooter to get my five hundred dollars of groceries while having an asthma attack from lifting a cane for powdered donuts.

I’m thankful for retarded people, they make me feel incredibly smart and are nice enough most of the time to actually feel good about making me feel smart by them being retarded. I’m a horrible person I know, and I don’t care. Retarded people make me smile because I’m not like them and they are just happy as hell drooling on them selves.

I’m thankful for single mom’s, they tend to have lower standards after dealing with a horrible ex which makes me look like a saint regardless of me enjoying retarded people making me feel smart. Many single moms have been thankful for my bed as well in case you were wondering, it’s super comfy! I’m also thankful for condoms to keep me from creating a single mom with a horrible ex. I really don’t understand why people don’t use them more…. Oh wait that is because those are some of the other dumb fucks that I’m thankful for. Yep, I am thankful for the dumb fucks who don’t use condoms and procreate at an unnatural rate creating a new race of stupid dumb redneck idiots to make my Spicy Italian sandwich at Subway.

I am thankful to the Chinese for the idea that I hope one day will be implemented here in the United States of maximum child limits. To limit the number of dumb fucks to make sandwiches at Subway, let’s face it we can’t really support too many more sandwich shops people and these stupid backwoods retards are still breeding like rabbits. No I don’t mean the actual retards breeding… though if they are that should be stopped as well. I don’t think that if a person requires someone to take care of them, they should allowed to bring another life into this world that inevitably someone else will have to take of as well. We have enough of that with deadbeat junky parents from Kentucky, oh and also Oklahoma.

I am thankful for ugly people, not mildly unattractive ones that most people don’t notice while passing them in the mall. No I’m talking the ones that get beat with a baseball bat as they are squeezed out of their mom’s cooch then thrown down the stairs to the ugly floor and then dropped in a bucket of gross. Those kind of people, they make me look like Brad Pitt and justify me looking in the mirror in the morning and enjoy myself looking back. (yes I’m vain, get over the fact that I’m adorable and if I were a woman I’d do me!)

I’m thankful for old people, they give me the understanding of how important it is to accept myself and understand that I don’t need to make my hair turn blue or wear a wig to hide the fact that I’m old. I’m also thankful for them because they forget to wear deodorant and that reminds me how important it is that I wear it! I’m very aware that my bed will be lonely if I don’t wear deodorant. Old people also have taught me that I get to be a REAL bastard if I live long enough and get away with it because I will be old. I mean how many times do you get stuck behind an old person driving down the road, you start screaming at them to hurry up or pull over so you can get around them. You are stuck behind them for an eternity and when you do finally pass them you look over give them the bird and then feel slightly bad for it because you realize that they are so old they have no fucking clue that their \$40,000.00 car can do more than 25MPH and they have the biggest shit eating grin on their face that they are still driving. A couple miles down the road you realize that the old person knows perfectly well what they were doing and then you get pissed off again because they were driving slow because they are old and can get away with it! This brings up another point though I would like to make. When will we start taking away the privilege to drive to people who can’t see more than five feet in front of them?

I’m thankful for drugs, the hard drugs. Cocaine, heroine, meth, speed, acid, PCP! I’m thankful that those drugs exist, because without that more dumbass ignorant fucks would be out of jail breeding like rabbits creating more employee’s than jobs at the local sandwich shop.

I’m thankful for lazy asshole who don’t do shit and suck up a welfare check from the government, beat their women and treat their children like animals! Without these fine people no one else would be on COPS. They are doing us all a service by providing us something to watch on Saturday’s.

I’m thankful for Beer! I am thankful that good honest church men started brewing beer because the water in England was so nasty and poisonous that they needed something that provided a clean source of liquid intake to hydrate the masses. Plus it gets you drunk! Thanks Guinness!

I’m thankful for my family, their insanity allows my insanity to seem sane. Which also leads me to say I am thankful for Valium which helps us all deal with family?

I’m thankful for the internet, by which means my blog is possible. Plus there is more porn available online than any one man or woman could ever physically watch so you can always find something new to jerk off too if you don’t have your bible handy.

I’m thankful for desks to beat my head against when I am forced to deal with people I find to be stupid, which I find a lot of them in my line of work. I’m also thankful for the waiting period to purchase a firearm because I’m sure I would have shot some of the idiots I’ve been around in the last year. That waiting period gives you a chance to rethink all the problems with killing someone, like where will you stash the body? How will you be sure to not leave DNA evidence? What will your alibi be? In the end I have always found that the idiot isn’t worth killing.

I am thankful for the men and women who serve this country to protect the liberties I have that provide me the freedom to write this blog, I am thankful to them for being loyal to their leaders even though the war they are fighting doesn’t make a bit of sense.

With that said I am thankful for you who read my sometimes ridiculous writing and yet somehow find it in your hearts to return each week to see trash might fall onto this blog.
Thank you one and all and happy thanksgiving to each and every last one of you.

## Monday, October 26, 2009

### What I learned from Saturday morning cartoons (or why I masterbate to the bible)

I think I’ve figured out why I’m screwed up a bit. I recently was on YouTube watching retarded people make fools of themselves and came across a few clips from early cartoons I watched as a kid on Saturday morning. I would watch them before my parents would wake and demand I read the bible to cleanse myself from the evils of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. They in turn would watch some television program that promoted shady morals on a cruise ship that “helped” people fall in love….. (yeah right, the base of that show was “come to our boat and shag! We don’t mind!”) While they watched their innuendo’s of sex, drugs and capitalism I would be “forced” to read a few scripture from the “holy bible”. Did you know that if you use your imagination the bible if full of really fun stuff? There are stories of mass genocide, fratricide, orgies and even a guy named Lot who to be the “good guy” and protect the angels from the horny city folk that wanted to have sex with them tossed his daughters to the mob to be raped over and over again! Such a cool book when you have an imagination like mine! I’m pretty sure my parents never thought I would be reading the bible and thinking “you know, this needs pictures because I bet that Lot’s daughters were topless!” Nothing like being ten and getting off to the stories in the bible! I sit here and I compare the cartoons that are on tv right now with the insanity that is available in the form of Spongebob and I find it is less intelligent than the cartoons of the golden era of Bugs Bunny. Squarepants bounces off the wall while laughing at the simple things like bubbles for much longer than is healthy for anyone to laugh at a bubble, Bugs Bunny on the other hand would violently harm Elmer Fudd or convince him that it was actually duck season and then Daffy would loose his bill because Fudd shot his face off. Neither of these impacted me as a child, I did watch Looney Toon’s and enjoyed them. But my diet of cartoons was rooted in Transformers, G.I. Joe, He Man and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I want to take a few minutes to talk about what I learned no through these shows but because of these shows. Looking back I was unaware of the damage these Saturday mornings would do to me and the outcome of them twenty years later.

Transformers is a timeless story of good vs. evil. Two opposing forces seeking the same thing but going about it in very different ways, the autobots working along side the humans while the decepticons attempt to take through force what they want and in the process destroy their foe.

Chapter 1 verse 2
2Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine.

Hmm when I read this I can’t help but be confused about Solomon’s sexuality. This did not turn me on…. I was disappointed. Lets read on though.

3Because of the savour of thy good ointments thy name is as ointment poured forth, therefore do the virgins love thee.

This verse on the other hand was juicy in my mind. But I had to hope it was talking of girls and not guys, even at the age ten I knew I was straight. So I just pretended it was aimed from a girl’s point of view written by a guy who obviously had sexual identity issues. But “the savour of thy good ointment thy name is as ointment poured forth” I am pretty sure he was writing about a blow job here… (I’ll let you figure out what I was thinking about when he wrote “ointment”) “Therefore do the virgins love thee.” So to me it meant this guy was hung like a horse. Yep so blowjob for this guy… so far good stuff for an ancient porn.

4Draw me, we will run after thee: the king hath brought me into his chambers: we will be glad and rejoice in thee, we will remember thy love more than wine: the upright love thee.

Let me translate this into The New Living Translation of Adam! “I am drawn to the king, I’ve longed for him. The king bought me to his bed and we screamed our brains out while we had wild monkey sex! I will always remember riding him reverse cowgirl style!” Damn that’s some hot sex! At least that is how I read it even at the age of ten!

5I am black, but comely, O ye daughters of Jerusalem, as the tents of Kedar, as the curtains of Solomon.

Holy shit! This is interracial porn! It’s jungle fever for this crazy Jew in the story! Yeah for bible porn!

6Look not upon me, because I am black, because the sun hath looked upon me: my mother's children were angry with me; they made me the keeper of the vineyards; but mine own vineyard have I not kept.

Damn she is shy! That’s ok, I like shy girls… and what’s this? “They made me the keeper of vineyards, but mine own vineyard have I not kept” Oh she is a slut! SWEET!

7Tell me, O thou whom my soul loveth, where thou feedest, where thou makest thy flock to rest at noon: for why should I be as one that turneth aside by the flocks of thy companions?

She got some lovin and now she wants more of it. If you don’t get that she is asking for a noon quickie you have no imagination.

8If thou know not, O thou fairest among women, go thy way forth by the footsteps of the flock, and feed thy kids beside the shepherds' tents.

Ok he’s game, he wants to see her, but this is a secret love affair so they have to be discreet. Now as a ten year old boy it didn’t take much to get me going, this so far was a kinky freaky farm porn in my mind.

9I have compared thee, O my love, to a company of horses in Pharaoh's chariots.

This verse scares me, I’m pretty sure I said this guy must have been hung like a horse and she evidently agrees. She says though that she compared him to a company of horses…. I sometimes wondered if she meant that she had also shagged the horses as well. If that is the case then the bible is way crazier than every preacher in the world thinks. This might just be some hardcore bestiality.

10Thy cheeks are comely with rows of jewels, thy neck with chains of gold.

This… I’ll leave this to your imagination. Man you have a dirty mind…. I thought I was bad.

11We will make thee borders of gold with studs of silver.

I can’t help but think about strange piercings all over her, my personal thought… nipple rings.

12While the king sitteth at his table, my spikenard sendeth forth the smell thereof.

Did she just call her vagina a “spikenard”? that is one crazy kinky name for a vagina. I’ve heard calling it “kitty” or a few other names, but “spikenard”? wow! (for those who don’t know a spikenard is a herb from the ginseng family.)

13A bundle of myrrh is my well-beloved unto me; he shall lie all night betwixt my breasts

Can you say money shot! So not only does these few verses talk about the reverse cowgirl position, interracial sex, pet names for vagina, comparing a guy to the size of a horse but to top it off they basically say that he blew his load and they stayed in between her mammoth boobs! Yeah I made up that she has mammoth boobs but you would too ok.

As you can see for me the bible was a fun book to read, so when I got in trouble I had no problem being entertained by “holy scripture”.

If you think I’m going to hell, you might be right. But if I am I’ll see you there because I know you were laughing at some point of this blog. Just think, this all came from me watching cartoons on Saturday morning. I might have turned out a little more normal if mom had just let me watch my fucking Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!

## Wednesday, October 21, 2009

### Zombie Jesus... That's what I wanna see!

The final fall from grace… well that is pretty simple. I realized around the time I was sixteen that religion didn’t make sense and that though it taught some very decent morals it went about it the wrong way; at least at my church they did. I found by the age of eighteen I had a understanding of the religion they wanted me to know and also to teach others about. I understood that what they were wanting was for me to follow a path that I didn’t believe and couldn’t understand why anyone else would want to believe either. The basics were good, don’t steel, don’t cheat, don’t murder, and don’t covet. All these things were good morals to live by, but the catch with religion was that you were told not to do these things because that loving god upstairs is watching you like an evil dictator waiting for you to screw up so he can pimp slap the shit out of you and send your soul to a fiery hell. Again, doesn’t seem like a loving god that they teach in Sunday school to small children. The ideas taught were of obedience and submission through fear of the unknown. This for me was the greatest wrong anyone can do, they told me that if I couldn’t accept on “faith” that they were right then I should leave. So I did and have not been very welcomed there since. Let’s talk a little about faith, faith is a funny word. Let’s see what dictionary.com has to say the definition of “faith” is.

–noun
1. confidence or trust in a person or thing: faith in another's ability.
2. belief that is not based on proof: He had faith that the hypothesis would be substantiated by fact.
3. belief in God or in the doctrines or teachings of religion: the firm faith of the Pilgrims.
4. belief in anything, as a code of ethics, standards of merit, etc.: to be of the same faith with someone concerning honesty.
5. a system of religious belief: the Christian faith; the Jewish faith.
6. the obligation of loyalty or fidelity to a person, promise, engagement, etc.: Failure to appear would be breaking faith.
7. the observance of this obligation; fidelity to one's promise, oath, allegiance, etc.: He was the only one who proved his faith during our recent troubles.
8. Christian Theology. the trust in God and in His promises as made through Christ and the Scriptures by which humans are justified or saved.

Religion at its core is a decent idea for those who fundamentally need a hope to hang onto. A dream that they will live on beyond this world is common and a absolute cornerstone of religion. They tell you do good and you will be rewarded, be good and you will go to heaven. I say fuck that shit! Do good because it is right! Be good because what you do now impacts those around you and the future generations that are left after us. Care for those we will leave behind when we pass. Ask yourself which is better, to do a good deed because you will be rewarded by a overseeing entity that will punish you if you don’t do good? Or is it more rewarding to do good deeds not because you want the reward of not being punished, but because it is from your heart and you feel and know it is the right thing to do. I go to sleep each night knowing and understanding that my actions each day leave a foot print in the world, how I walk will leave either damage to the world that will take time to repair or if I am careful and caring with my footfalls I will create a path that leave no damage and by doing this I leave this world better than I found it. I know that some churches teach to do good for goodness sake, but do they teach tolerance of other religions? Or do they teach that only those who ascribe to the beliefs of that church will reach a paradise after they die? For me I believe that this is it, what we do here is the only shot we have at life. We live and die here and our legacy will be what lives on forever in the lives of those we leave behind. If I am wrong though, somehow I think that if there is a “god” he\she\it would be a fair and just god. God would look at each person and determine by the life they led if they were a good person and worthy of “paradise”. Throughout history some of the greatest crimes against humanity have been carried out in religions or god’s name. If the world were free of religion a couple things would happen. First many people wouldn’t know how to do anything because they believe Jesus still makes the sun rise each morning and if the sun came up without Jesus making it rise their little brains would explode all over their cheerio’s. I personally like cheerio’s and would hate to see them wasted by having dumb peoples brains all over them. The other thing that would happen is the religious wars that have caused America to attack Iraq, Pakistan and other Middle Eastern countries would end. The world would find that they are pretty much the same for the most part, and that most people want the same things. They want peace and happiness. They want their families to be healthy and safe. People would stop killing because someone else didn’t believe that their religion was the only way. True as humans we would just find another reason to kill each other, but at least you wouldn’t have read this long blog by me!

Let me leave you with this thought, if at eight years old I was thinking Zombie Jesus would be cool to see… how fucked up was I even then? Oh come on! You have to admit that Zombie Jesus next Easter would be totally awesome! Fuck it! I’m going as Zombie Jesus for Halloween!

## Sunday, October 11, 2009

### Don't screw with my ketchup

A few years ago I was a little more vile, a bit misogynistic and much more of a asshole. What I’m about to disclose is all true, no liberties with creative writing. There is a time in most men’s lives when you care about one thing and one thing only. No it isn’t sex, it’s themselves. This story is at a time when I was living that selfish life to its fullest, it was full of sex, debauchery, vanity, stupidity and lots of alcohol. How I survived those years are still a bit of a mystery, perhaps one day I will find a few clues on YouTube as I am sure some of my adventures were filmed by someone’s camera-phone.