Monday, November 30, 2009
Son of a bitch it was cold this morning, I woke to find the first real frost of the year had settled on my jeep. A big middle finger from Jack Frost I suppose was in order as the first thing I said as I stepped out my door was “FUUHHHCCKKK K K K K!” My body wasn’t ready for the cold that struck it like a Mack Truck hitting a squire too dumb to get out of the way… wait that’s a bad analogy. More like the girl back in Wichita whom I had forgotten her name. I found out that night actually how strange that really is. It never seems so bad in the movies, but in real life… awkward! So in the spirit of the winter setting in finally I have updated my blog and I hope you like the newly upgraded fancy high tech super cool….. Ah crap I used a freaking free download program to change the page and make it look like it’s snowing. I figured I wouldn’t get away with the half naked strippers dancing on the page so this was the next best thing. A new post will be up soon, look for it in the next day or so!
Monday, November 23, 2009
All the things I’m thankful for!
During this wonderful time of year of food, family, friends and festivities I feel I must join the masses and let everyone know how great my life is and how sucky I hope yours is by stating all the things I have to be thankful for!
I am thankful for many things in life, too many in fact to name them all here or explain why I am thankful for them. But I hope to share a few and perhaps next year I will revisit this topic and expand on the items I neglect this time around. These are in no particular order as I cannot in good conscious say I am more thankful for one thing over the rest, as a result of this there will not be the list of 1. through 20. No I will keep it simple for us, so come along and perhaps you will find you are thankful for some of the same things I am. Perhaps you and I are not so different…
I am thankful for my bed which I now sit and write this list, it has provided many nights of blissful sleep and also a stage to shag women who have been gracious enough to whore themselves out to me without charge besides the soul devouring dates and nagging conversations that have absolutely no relevance to anything in my life.
I am thankful that the mattress has held up to me collapsing on it night after self loathing night for staying in the job I have. I am also thankful to Gain Detergent for getting the stains out. (I’ll let you just guess what the stains are, I bet you have them on your sheets too)
I’m thankful for stoplights, without these the dumb ass ignorant fucks who drive in this town and yours wouldn’t understand the simple concept of the four way stop intersection. On the flip side, I am thankful for the dumb ass ignorant fucks because they help me understand that evolution is real and it has passed them by and chose me to understand the complexities of traffic signs.
I am thankful for the stupid fat kid at the grocery store that was whining about not getting the “ho’ ho’s” because I am inspired to be an advocate for youth exercise programs in public school. I am also thankful for the morbidly, sickeningly, vomit inducing fat disgusting example of a mother that was trying to reach the powdered donuts with her cane from her motor scooter. I’m thankful not because she caused me to puke up my Spicy Italian sandwich from Subway (not the healthiest I know, but don’t worry the fat nasty woman helped me with that) but because she inspires me to take better care of myself and aim to make it to her ripe old age of I’d guess of thirty five and not need a motor scooter to get my five hundred dollars of groceries while having an asthma attack from lifting a cane for powdered donuts.
I’m thankful for retarded people, they make me feel incredibly smart and are nice enough most of the time to actually feel good about making me feel smart by them being retarded. I’m a horrible person I know, and I don’t care. Retarded people make me smile because I’m not like them and they are just happy as hell drooling on them selves.
I’m thankful for single mom’s, they tend to have lower standards after dealing with a horrible ex which makes me look like a saint regardless of me enjoying retarded people making me feel smart. Many single moms have been thankful for my bed as well in case you were wondering, it’s super comfy! I’m also thankful for condoms to keep me from creating a single mom with a horrible ex. I really don’t understand why people don’t use them more…. Oh wait that is because those are some of the other dumb fucks that I’m thankful for. Yep, I am thankful for the dumb fucks who don’t use condoms and procreate at an unnatural rate creating a new race of stupid dumb redneck idiots to make my Spicy Italian sandwich at Subway.
I am thankful to the Chinese for the idea that I hope one day will be implemented here in the United States of maximum child limits. To limit the number of dumb fucks to make sandwiches at Subway, let’s face it we can’t really support too many more sandwich shops people and these stupid backwoods retards are still breeding like rabbits. No I don’t mean the actual retards breeding… though if they are that should be stopped as well. I don’t think that if a person requires someone to take care of them, they should allowed to bring another life into this world that inevitably someone else will have to take of as well. We have enough of that with deadbeat junky parents from Kentucky, oh and also Oklahoma.
I am thankful for ugly people, not mildly unattractive ones that most people don’t notice while passing them in the mall. No I’m talking the ones that get beat with a baseball bat as they are squeezed out of their mom’s cooch then thrown down the stairs to the ugly floor and then dropped in a bucket of gross. Those kind of people, they make me look like Brad Pitt and justify me looking in the mirror in the morning and enjoy myself looking back. (yes I’m vain, get over the fact that I’m adorable and if I were a woman I’d do me!)
I’m thankful for old people, they give me the understanding of how important it is to accept myself and understand that I don’t need to make my hair turn blue or wear a wig to hide the fact that I’m old. I’m also thankful for them because they forget to wear deodorant and that reminds me how important it is that I wear it! I’m very aware that my bed will be lonely if I don’t wear deodorant. Old people also have taught me that I get to be a REAL bastard if I live long enough and get away with it because I will be old. I mean how many times do you get stuck behind an old person driving down the road, you start screaming at them to hurry up or pull over so you can get around them. You are stuck behind them for an eternity and when you do finally pass them you look over give them the bird and then feel slightly bad for it because you realize that they are so old they have no fucking clue that their $40,000.00 car can do more than 25MPH and they have the biggest shit eating grin on their face that they are still driving. A couple miles down the road you realize that the old person knows perfectly well what they were doing and then you get pissed off again because they were driving slow because they are old and can get away with it! This brings up another point though I would like to make. When will we start taking away the privilege to drive to people who can’t see more than five feet in front of them?
I’m thankful for drugs, the hard drugs. Cocaine, heroine, meth, speed, acid, PCP! I’m thankful that those drugs exist, because without that more dumbass ignorant fucks would be out of jail breeding like rabbits creating more employee’s than jobs at the local sandwich shop.
I’m thankful for lazy asshole who don’t do shit and suck up a welfare check from the government, beat their women and treat their children like animals! Without these fine people no one else would be on COPS. They are doing us all a service by providing us something to watch on Saturday’s.
I’m thankful for Beer! I am thankful that good honest church men started brewing beer because the water in England was so nasty and poisonous that they needed something that provided a clean source of liquid intake to hydrate the masses. Plus it gets you drunk! Thanks Guinness!
I’m thankful for my family, their insanity allows my insanity to seem sane. Which also leads me to say I am thankful for Valium which helps us all deal with family?
I’m thankful for the internet, by which means my blog is possible. Plus there is more porn available online than any one man or woman could ever physically watch so you can always find something new to jerk off too if you don’t have your bible handy.
I’m thankful for televangelist, without them I would not have much to make me laugh on Sunday mornings. I find it so refreshing to see the lies they present every week, it brings back so many fond memories of cultish activities that my parents had me take part in as a child. For instance communion, that sacred ritual that so many people practice on a regular basis in so many sects of Christianity is truly fucked up! You have to be one twisted son of a bitch to be able to tell a five year old that a cracker is made out of the dead body of Jesus Christ and that the grape juice you are about to drink is the blood of Christ. Do you have any idea what that did to me as a child? I mean first I was told to not bite my siblings and that eating them is called cannibalism, cannibalism I was told was wrong. But here a preacher is telling me that the food and drink I was being given during a dimly lit ceremony was the body and blood of Christ. Hmmm let me think about that, this would be the stored dead remains of Jesus Christ who died on a cross and which the likeness is posted all over every fucking church that worships Jesus and the Christian faith which if you ever look there isn’t much meat on that white guys bones. Yes virtually every picture depicts Jesus as white, mostly because that is who painted the pictures and no one know what he actually looked like or if he actually existed. But getting back to my point that I was being told two different things about eating people, it wasn’t ok to bite a chunk out of my brother’s arm or leg but it was cool to eat the dead remains of Jesus who had been dead a couple thousand years and drink his blood. At five I couldn’t help but wonder how they were able to keep his blood from drying up that long and how much blood did Jesus have because ever fucking week that damn preacher was telling people to eat Jesus and drink his blood. As I got older I was made aware of the myth of Vampires and I couldn’t help but notice a correlation between vampirism and communion in church. Christians I equated were practicing to become vampires in their next life, for now they drink grape juice or wine. But it’s just a warm up round for when they turn into vampires and actually drink people’s blood. Let’s be honest shall we? Preachers are often vampires of people’s weak minds and emotions; they tend to survive off the stupid ignorant fucks who chose to consume religion instead of drugs. Please don’t assume that I think all religious people are stupid, but in my personal experience anyone who is intelligent and actually studies religion soon finds it unbelievable.
I’m thankful for desks to beat my head against when I am forced to deal with people I find to be stupid, which I find a lot of them in my line of work. I’m also thankful for the waiting period to purchase a firearm because I’m sure I would have shot some of the idiots I’ve been around in the last year. That waiting period gives you a chance to rethink all the problems with killing someone, like where will you stash the body? How will you be sure to not leave DNA evidence? What will your alibi be? In the end I have always found that the idiot isn’t worth killing.
I am thankful for the men and women who serve this country to protect the liberties I have that provide me the freedom to write this blog, I am thankful to them for being loyal to their leaders even though the war they are fighting doesn’t make a bit of sense.
With that said I am thankful for you who read my sometimes ridiculous writing and yet somehow find it in your hearts to return each week to see trash might fall onto this blog.
Thank you one and all and happy thanksgiving to each and every last one of you.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Halloween came and went this last weekend and I want to say that I am rather pissed off at those little bastards who neglected to come by my door and take my candy! I like Halloween, I think it’s a fun holiday that I hope the right wing psycho conservatives don’t get their way and have it removed from America’s holiday schedule. I like most everything about the holiday, I enjoy the time of year it arrives in. I love the idea that we get an opportunity to give other peoples kids sugar and hype them up and not have to deal with the consequences directly. I love the idea of being anyone you want to be for just one day, just a few hours to let loose and let your inner child play and be whatever you want to be. Sometimes those are scary monsters and sometimes you end up seeing men dressed in their wife’s cloths and not ashamed to flash some leg and ass while they are at it. I think it’s a wonderful chance for children to get to play dress up and that the adults can play along for at least once a year. I love seeing what people arrive in, some are ghouls and some are naughty Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz. I didn’t have anywhere to go this year so I stayed home and passed out candy…well I wanted to pass out candy. Turns out that people didn’t take their kids down my street, even the bastards that live in my neighborhood decided it wasn’t safe or profitable to trick or treat in my neighborhood. I went to the store and purchased several pounds of candy, I’m talking bags and bags folks! I turned my porch light on, opened my front door, had stickers on the big bay window and had the curtains open so that everyone could see the big bowl of candy sitting there for any who would be brave enough to just ask. I started at 6pm and waited, then waited some more… waited some more… forty five minutes later I have my first trick or treater’s. They were a couple kids that must have been under six as they couldn’t even say trick or treat; they just stared at me with blank faces. No I wasn’t dressed as Zombie Jesus, I thought that might be a little traumatic to the little monsters. It took another hour before my next set of kids arrive, they took a few pieces and left. By this point I was starting to worry because it was nearly nine pm and I had only made two trips to the door with candy. My worries were soon put to rest as shortly after the second set my third trip to the door was made and much like the first it was the neighbors’ kids and they are both rather young and made no effort to say trick or treat. By this point I was sure that I had much more candy than I needed to survive the night. So I look down and the two girls and say “take as much as you’d like kids!” they just stare at me… I was rather frustrated at this point and said “here” as I reached into my bowl and grabbed a large handful of candy and stuffed it in each of their buckets. They were the last kids of the night. Let me tell you I am a little surprised by this, I guess Halloween just isn’t like it used to be when I was a kid. I remember the few years when my parents were evil sinners and decided to allow us to trick or treat we would be out till ten or later asking for candy. We would hit our neighborhood, my grandparent’s area, my aunt’s block and just about anywhere in between. I remember collecting enough candy to last till Easter most years. But now I guess it just isn’t safe to take your kids to a guy’s house who offers free candy to small children dressed up as their favorite characters…. Wait that sounds creepy… Maybe parents shouldn’t let their kids go door to door asking for candy!