Santa won't be pooping in my Christmas tree!

Its Christmas time~! I want to share my wish list with everyone just in case you want to purchase something for me! I’m not greedy or vain but I know how much each of you loves me and wants to purchase high end electronics for me during this time of giving.

1. A 52” 1080p Plasma HI Def TV
2. Two attractive female Asian twins over the age of 21 as concubines.
3. The playboy mansion all bills paid.
4. A ping pong ball
5. Scuba flippers.
6. Rights to the Sam Addams brewery.
7. New Socks
8. $45,000,000 tax free
9. A better sense of humor to come up with something funny to write.

Just kidding, I actually was thinking about the holidays and this time of year and realized how much it fucking sucks! Seriously, I am out buying really cool stuff that I won’t ever get to use. I’ve bought in the past everything from Artwork to fine wine. But typically what I get in return for giving these super awesome gnarly gifts is only a sadden knowledge that they will most likely never enjoy that gift as much as I would have. But I have to remind myself that this is not the season to think about me but to think about others and those less fortunate than myself. Like people who live where there is no Starbucks. One thing I do enjoy though is that every year I participate in the Angel Tree Gifts for Kids program sponsored by the Salvation Army. As a child my family grew up with meager means but usually had a pretty fun Christmas, my parents did their best with what they had to ensure we had a few gifts under the tree each year. This was a tough thing at times because there were five of us greedy little bastards running around. One year though for reasons I can’t remember my siblings and I received charity much like that of the Angel tree. If it was the Angel Tree program I don’t recall but I remember opening gifts that were not wrapped with the wrapping paper dad had stashed in the back of the demon closet. Yes we had a demon closet at least that was what I was convinced lived in the back of my parents walk in closet. This closet had the ability to never fill no matter how much stuff you shoved in it. The closet always smelled strange like burning wire, oh and you could dig through clothes and shoes for hours and never find the carpet. Actually when my mother moved out of that house it took my brother and myself a few days to dig everything out of that closet. It was a portal from the “other side” to transport junk from the 70’s. I’m not sure but my brother at one point seemed to be grabbed by something and had to fight it off and in the end we had to clean ectoplasm off the walls. Ok, maybe that is a bit of an exaggeration, but still it was a rather troubling experience.

Back to my point that as a child I experienced the charity of others and it has inspired me in my early adult life to give back to children in need. Every year I invest in this program and so I was out looking for that specially cool gift that I wouldn’t get to play with to give to a child in need I was forced into venturing into the chasm of shit that is Wal-Mart. We have had the talk about how much I hate this place and that I really hope Sam Walton is in some sort of hell for the demonic thing he created. So upon entering the parking lot I start to dodge the traffic and decide it best to park at the mini strip mall at the end of the parking lot and walk to the beast swallowing people and spitting others out it’s shit colored doors. As I get close I hear the familiar ring of the most annoying bell ever created in the world. You know the one I’m talking about, it is the one that has the people standing next to a hanging bucket shaking a bell designed by mad scientist to induce a maddening psychosis that causes you to go to extremes to make them stop ringing. Most give money without asking for anything, they are dumb. I put a dollar in the bucket and like any transaction I expect a product for the money I spend so I ask for the bell. Do you know that some of them will actually give it to you? It’s amazing when it works, it is better than winning the lottery! Then some sick part of you wants to ring the damn thing as well. I think it has a curse built into the bell that demands it’s wielder to ring it. When I asked for the bell I was told no, so I entered the store slightly saddened that I didn’t get to take the damn bell and save the world from a sound that will cause mass murder and rage inside the store over who gets the last box of Honey Combs. Inside it is a typical situation, one might refer to it as a “mad house” but I don’t think of it as that as all. I look at it as a explosives factory ready to blow up because that fucking bell already lit the fuse. I make it through the store with little trouble and exit to the sound of that son of a bitch ringing that bell as fast as he can. It was like he was attempting to find out how many rings it takes to get Santa to actually show up.

What strikes me funny is the two sidedness of the season. There is the side that says it's about the spirit and yet it is also the backbone of the American shopping season. A major portion of sales for retailers happen during this time of year so to compete with each other and to do this they all toss up commercials and adds that depict Christmas attire and special holiday savings. I fell prey to this ideology during “Black Friday”. No, I did not fight the crowds for door buster savings, I instead logged onto the internet and started surfing as fast as my fingers and internet connection would let me. I found something out about myself when it comes to shopping for cool things I know I’ll never get to play with. Those gifts I mentioned earlier that I know will not be enjoyed by those who receive them as much as I would have. I am a cheap son of a bitch! I had multiple screens running comparing prices and getting the best deals on the web, I bought for most of the 15 plus people on my life and didn’t break $100.00. I’m awesome I know! ! ! Anyway I often find that I am offended like many people that the holidays seem to be about commercialism and not about the true spirit of caring for your friends and family along with giving to those less fortunate. So I started to think about how I felt about this situation and I’ve come up with a simple solution for me and I’ve slept really good now that I’ve settled this for myself. My solution was that I don’t give a fuck. I decided that I will give to those I want to give to and this year I would buy myself Christmas gifts! Yep I am my own Santa this year! I’ve already bought myself gifts, wrapped them then unwrapped them and rewrapped them again! It’s been fun almost surprising myself with something special. I figure that I will only have a few years of my adult life where I will not be obligated to a child or a family that I will want to give stuff too and so this year it’s all about me. I say its time we all play Santa to ourselves! So what is you want this year? Is it a hooker that will say yes to everything? If so be sure you said yes to those condom commercials you’ve been seeing on TV. If your idea of a gift for yourself is a pair of scuba flipper and a snorkel, condoms, smokes and a microwave dinner then I say go for it you sick fuck. I don’t want to know what the snorkel is for, though I have an idea what the flippers are for and I have to say I like your style.

So folks enjoy this time of year, it only comes around once every twelve months. Buy yourself something nice, kinky, stupid or just fun. But remember that this time of year is about joy so I don’t want to hear any of this crap about how the holidays get you down. Don’t let it, find something to bring a smile to your face. Believe it or not the thing that brings the most joy for me is giving back to the Angel Tree. I know that is a hard thing to imagine about me since I did just buy myself gifts from Santa, but really it is something I truly love doing. Find what brings joy to your life and let that be what Christmas is about. Don’t let it be about a religion or a store or an ideology, but simply let it be.

P.S. Each of you should watch The Muppets Christmas Carol, if you don't Santa will come poop in your Christmas Tree.