Thursday, January 28, 2010

For Pop

Six years have passed and this reminds me I’m getting older. It doesn’t seem like six years worth of stuff has happened in that timeframe. But looking back, more than enough actually has occurred both in my life and the lives of my family to encompass more than six years. It has been six years since the passing of my father due to cancer. I just want to take a moment to honor all those we have known who have lost their battle to cancer. It is a disease that affects not only those carrying it, but their friends and family long after they have passed. The trauma endured emotionally and psychologically is something that can’t be expressed easily nor should it be. Loss is one of the most telling signs we are human, we mourn those who have passed on and do our best to honor and remember what they taught us. So Dad here’s to you…

When I was a boy no more than six or seven I remember my dad had a Volkswagen Beatle, it must have been from the early 70’s, in fact I remember that it still ran on standard lead based fuel. I remember it sitting near the street next to the sidewalk and I was running around being an idiot as always, I think I was playing hide and seek. From who I don’t recall, perhaps it was simply my imaginary friend at the time I was hiding from. (He was a scary bastard full of teeth and claws. Not what you imagine a seven year old has for an imaginary friend, but I didn’t pick him he chose me.) I ran behind the car and I can remember thinking that dad always worked on this part of the car and was always touching things back there. So being the copy cat I was decided I should emulate my father and mess around with the engine as well. Lucky for him I didn’t know how the latch worked on that old car. Unlucky for me though the tailpipe was exposed and without understanding the workings of a combustion engine I didn’t realize the tail pipe would be blazing hot from the exhaust. Needless to say my exploratory nature led me to grab the tailpipe and burn the hell out of my hand. Screams and sobs erupted out of me, but before I knew it Dad was there looking my hand over. Seeing that I really wasn’t too damaged, (in fact I didn’t even have any blistering) he let me know I would be ok. We ran cold water over my hand and put ice on it and we had a conversation. I remember him explaining how the engine worked and that the tailpipes allowed the heat and exhaust fumes to be expelled from the spent fuel. The lesson I remember the most though is he said “Son, parts of the rear are always hot when they’ve been turned on.” This lesson I learned applies to more than just cars later on. I’m lucky he never caught me grabbing another kind of tail now that I think about it. Though I’m sure he would have had something to say about that too which I would have found funny. Dad we all miss you and try our best to carry on remembering the good things and not the bad. I’ll always remember the way you always did your best to be the best father you could be, even when your dumbass son decided to grab a tailpipe.

For those who have lost someone I hope each of you takes a moment to remember that which makes them special to us.

Monday, January 25, 2010

I want to cook marshmellows over my laptops burning corpse.

I had every intention of writing about my world tour experiment, but I can't. Forces beyond my control have vexed me greatly and destroyed my PC's hard drive containing all of my wicked stories. Perhaps it is the cosmos giving me a warning not to air my dirty laundry to the world. Maybe it is a higher power smiting me for the life I've led up till now. Perhaps it's Jesus getting back at me for turning him into a zombie. I might believe one of those things if I were an irrationally irrational person, but I'm not. I'm a rationally irrational person who knows that my pc crashed due to the excessive amount of use I've given it, the streaming of many hours of porn, illegal media and stolen software downloaded from sites that give you warnings "THIS MAY CONTAIN VIRUS" or "USE AT YOUR OWN RISK". My dumbass decided that the risk was worth taking and it finally bit me in the ass. I say all this to announce that I will not be posting the story of Erika at this point, perhaps in the near future I will be able to continue that. My dilemma is that I am without a word processing software with which to write. So, I apologize in advance for any writing errors that are so blatant a monkey would look at them and say "what fucking dumbass wrote this pointless shit?"

I never realized how much I rely on my laptop until I arrived home after a shitty week at the office. By shitty, I literally mean there was shit I had to deal with throughout the week. Busted toilets and pipes and….. Anyway it was fucking nasty. Beyond that ordeal work has been rather busy with conversions and shift changes. But I will not bore you with details regarding my actual mundane existence. I want to share the pain I went through to prove something I discovered when this happened. I am a rationally irrational human with emotions! I have been called cold hearted son of a bitch, and I proudly said "thank you". I've been told I have the emotional capacity of a lunch box, to which I replied "Never heard you complain about the meat in that lunch box!" (Yes, that relationship lasted about nine seconds after that statement.) I've been told that I had to be one of the most callous people one individual had ever met. After a few years of hearing this I began to believe some of those statement and learned to accept myself for who I was, a cold uncaring lunchbox. The only bright point I could take away with regards to this is that my lunchbox at least had the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on it, no I'm not talking about my underwear. But upon pushing the power button on my Dell laptop and hearing the death rattle of my hard drive my heart sank. The black screen had a simple message on it, "C:\WINDOWS\SYSTEM32.EXE ERROR….FUCK YOU, I HOPE YOU GET ASS HERPIES" Actually the "fuck you" I added but that's what I read when this error appeared on the screen. My stomach did that flip flop thing where you think you are going to shit and puke at the same time but not sure which will come first, then I took a deep breath. It hit me, I had lost over five years of my personal thoughts, stolen music, movies, TV shows both legally downloaded and otherwise, and my stash of nine billion gigs of porn. I sat in my dining room chair as a crushed man. The weight I felt at that point must have been akin to Shawn Fanning after being told that his Napster software was illegal and he was fucked by the government with no lube. Go republicans! I sat in the chair, fingers hovering over my keyboard frantically thinking back to my days of working with PC's for a living with Gateway before they went belly up like a goldfish without food for a week. I pressed the enter, more out of a lack of other options and disbelief than anything else and the response was "FUCK YOU ASSHOLE, WHAT PART OF I HOPE YOU GET ASS HERPIES DID YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?" I tried the restore disk option from the software that came with the pc, but it refused to work. I attempted to "Re-install" windows file "system32.exe" that came back with the message "OK YOU PRICK, I SWEAR TO ASTROPHYSICS THAT I WILL KICK YOU IN THE LEFT TESTICAL IF YOU TRY THAT AGAIN." I was left with the only option I could fathom…format and reload the hard drive in the hope that I could at least salvage the laptop and attempt to use it until I could purchase a new system. At that precise moment I realized something, I felt something, I embraced something. I had an emotion! Grant it this emotion was to punch the laptop throw it in the yard, get my sledge hammer and smash it into a million pieces then light the fucker on fire and watch it burn, maybe roast a marshmallow over it. But it was an emotion none the less! I realized that what my ex girlfriends, mother and priest had said to me were all lies! I felt emotions! I felt rage, loss and a desire for a marshmallow! It was a bitter sweet moment as I came back to the reality that the four blogs I was currently working on were completely lost and my timeline I had built is now lost and nearly a months worth of work had been destroyed by a simple file being broken. Sadness was experienced next, then the thought of a new laptop brought on the emotion of greed, I wanted a new laptop and I wanted it right then. Mostly so I could actually set fire to my current broken laptop and enjoy a tasty marshmallow, but still it was another emotion felt by me, a cold unfeeling bastard.

So to those of you who think your spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, fuckbuddy or friend is incapable of feeling emotion. Break their laptop and see what happens. You might get the message of "FUCK YOU, I HOPE YOU GET ASS HERPIES YOU SON OF A BITCH."