Sunday, February 14, 2010

Valentine's Day, Incest and Dead Goats For All!

Valentines day, a day for lovers across the globe right? But how many really have looked into the history of this romantic day? This day, when lovers all around the world express their love for one another by exchanging cards with poems, flowers, candy, jewelry or other things. This day when it is nearly impossible to get a table at a restaurant if not reserved weeks in advance. Routers.com reported that they estimate approximately 14.1 billion will be spent for this holiday in the U.S. Alone. This is an astronomical amount of money to tell your significant other that you care. Men will spend nearly double what women will and each woman reading this will think that is the correct and right thing to have happen. As a man I of course think it is total bullshit that we are expected to pay much more than our significant other. This issue of balance goes back to pre roman times though when it was expected that men be the bread winner and thus responsible for the monetary well being of the family. I won't rant about the issue of Women across the country screaming for equal rights and treatment and about how on this subject they amazingly stand silent and expect to be treated as more than equals. This is not the place where I scream INJUSTICE, or poor me that I am expected to show my appreciation and love for someone I care about by a percentage based upon the expected expenditures of the one I love. In fact on the contrary I feel the opposite when I do spend funds on one I am in a committed relationship with. In short I like buying stuff for my girlfriend. I will come back to this later on in the blog and explain my thoughts on the actions of Valentines Day.

Let's take a look at the history of this cute, cuddly warm butterfly stomach filled holiday. It's all about INCEST! ! ! ! Yep, go take a look back at the history before the roman church proclaimed it a day of appreciation. To save a lot of retyping I am pulling the bellow information from Wikipedia.org and references are available on that site to support all information bellow.

Valentine was a common Roman name given to the name of their children in honor of the famous man who was first called Valentine in antiquity, Lupercus ("he who wards off the wolf") the hunter, a god associated with the Roman god Faunus and the goddess Fauna.
The Greeks called Lupercus or Faunus by the name of Pan. The Semites called Pan by the name Baul, another name for Nimrod, "the mighty hunter" (Book of Genesis 10:9). A common proverb of ancient time was that Nimrod was "the mighty hunter before the Lord" and their hero and their strong man. The original Valentine was Nimrod, the mighty hunter of wolves. Another of Nimrod's names was Sanctuc or Santa, meaning Saint.[citation needed]
The Romans acquired the symbol of the heart from the Babylonians. In the Babylonian language, the word for heart was bal. The heart - bal - was merely a symbol of Nimrod - the Baal or Lord of the Babylonians.
Nimrod was also known as Saturn, the Roman-Babylonian god who hid from his pursuers in a secret place. The Latin word Saturn is derived from the Semitic-speaking Babylonians, means "be hid," "hide self", "secret", or "conceal". The original Semitic (Hebrew) word is "Sathar," also "sether").
According to ancient tradition, Saturn (Nimrod) fled from his pursuers to Italy. The Appenine Mountains of Italy were anciently named the mountains of Nembrod or Nimrod. Nimrod briefly hid out at the site where Rome was later built. The ancient name of Rome, before it was rebuilt in 753 B.C. was Saturnia, the site of Saturn's (Nimrod's) hiding, where he was found and slain for his crimes. Christians in Constantine's day made Nimrod a saint of the Roman Catholic Church and continued to honor him as a Christian martyr.
The Romans chose February 15 and the evening of February 14 to honor Lupercus -- in ancient times began at sunset the evening before -- because Nimrod -- Baal or sun god of the pagans - was said to have been born at the winter solstice. In ancient time the solstice occurred on January 6 and his birthday therefore was celebrated on December 25 and now called Christmas. It was the custom of antiquity for, the mother of a male child to present herself for purification on the fortieth day after January 6, now celebrated by Christians as Epiphany. Nimrod's original birth date takes us to February 15, the celebration of which began on the evening of February 14, the Lupercalia or St. Valentine's Day. On this day in February,Semiramis, the mother of Nimrod, was said to have been purified and to have appeared for the first time in public with her son as the original "mother and child."
The Roman month February derives its name from the februa which the Roman priests used in the rites celebrated on St. Valentine's Day. The febru were thongs from the skins of sacrificial animals used in rites of purification on the evening of February 14.
Another name for the child Nimrod was "Cupid", meaning "desire". It is said that when Nimrod's mother saw him, she lusted after him. Nimrod became Semiramis's Cupid. So evil was Nimrod's mother that it is said she married her own son. Inscribed on the monuments of ancient Egypt are inscriptions that Nimrod (the Egyptians called him Osiris) was "the husband of his mother."
As Nimrod grew up, he became the child-hero of many women who desired him. In the Book of Daniel, he is called the "desire of women" (Daniel 11:37). Moffatt translates the word asTammuz, a Babylonian name of Nimrod. He provoked so many women to jealousy that an idol of him was often called the "image of jealousy" (Ezekiel 8:5). Nimrod, the hunter, was also their Valentine. The pagans commemorated their hero-hunter Nimrod, or Baal, by sending heart-shaped love tokens to one another on the evening of February 14 as a symbol of him. Nimrod, the son of Cush the Ethiopian, was later a source of embarrassment to the pagans of Europe, not wanting to worship an African. They later substituted a supposed son of Nimrod, a child named Horus, born after the death of Nimrod. This child then became a "Cupid" of European culture and tradition.

This all is pre-dating the Roman empire rule and Roman Catholic church as well. So where did St. Valentine come from? Well that is simple really, there were a bunch of Valentine's around at that time. Though the church points to a couple men, first of which is Valentine of Rome, the other is Valentine of Terni. Rome was martyred in AD 269, Terni became Bishop of Interamna in AD 197. There is a note of a Valentine being martyred on February 14 in Africa with a number of companions but little else is known of him or if his death had any impact on the validation of this holiday. It is worth noting that the Lupercalia Festival was held on February 15th when sacrificial offerings were made in hopes of averting evil spirits and purifying the city bring fertility throughout. Goats and dogs were often the animal slaughtered to appease the gods of ancient Rome.

Now we know a little about where the Holiday was birthed and how screwed up it is that we can take a day used to celebrate Nimrod\Cupid\Horus\Osiris and his mother, incestuous as their relationship might have been and as evil as that might be, or that this holiday was based on killing animals in the hopes that killing shit would bring about fertility in people and lands. Which if you think about it makes perfect sense right?..... no, you're right. It doesn't make any sense at all. Maybe if you were into having sex with your mom at the age of forty days it might, but to me it's just a fucked up idea.

If we move forward in time to the dark ages we will find that this time of year was used for judging assholes who treated women badly. (Not a bad idea if you ask me)This is the birth of where the poems and greeting cards come from. February 14, 1400 the High Court of love was created in Paris. This was a time when love contracts, betrayals and violence against women were settled. Judges were selected by the women based upon submission of poems. Whoever had the best poem would preside over the hearings. So this is the basis of where we get our modern day Hallmark greeting card saying “Roses are red violets are blue, I hate valentine's and so do you.” Or something like that. It then became popular for those who were lacking in the area of communications to purchase a poem written by another for his love. So Hallmark came around and slapped a high price tag on a piece of paper with a heart that looks nothing like the organ we have pumping life giving blood through our bodies and tells us it is what we need to give on top of jewelry to our lover to show we actually care. (yes I am speaking from a man's point of view, get over it.)

So what have we learned, let's recap shall we? Valentine was a common name given to children. It is believed to have started with a great hunter from biblical or Babylonian times named either Nimrod(which I find funny because when I think of Nimrod I think of a stupid person. This translates to me in saying that if you are a fan of this holiday you are an idiot. Just a fun morsel to chew on while you continue to read.) or Horus, Osiris and later became Cupid who was so loved and adored by his mother, she fell in love and wanted to have fucked up incestuous sex with him. That had to screw with his head, I know it is screwing with mine as I wrap my brain around the idea that this holiday started out by something that is illegal in most civilized societies. It was a festival to kill animals and pray that things would be fertile, a time when judges were elected by poems and Hallmark fucked us little guys... wait that part is still going on.

So what are my thoughts on this holiday? Well I am of the opinion that if you need a holiday recognized by the government to tell you when you should tell that special someone you care, you should be ashamed. People are worth more than just one day a year. We should learn to show we care more than just when the holidays come around, besides don't you guys know that if you randomly bring home flowers or mail a letter or card to your woman for no reason you have a much higher chance of getting sex that night? Not saying that if your man randomly sends you something nice or brings home flowers that he is expecting to get laid. But that thought does cross every guys mind at some point, be it when they are pulling into the driveway after purchasing a necklace he knew she liked or when he got the idea of buying said necklace. Sex is always on guys minds, and I will be the first to admit that one.

Anyway what it boils down too for me is that I disagree with the Holiday as a whole, it is based now on something that is trying to be good. For some this works, but the history of the holiday just ruins it for me. I also disagree that this is a holiday that the government and business profit from by about fourteen billion dollars this year alone. So to close this out. Fuck Valentine's Day, you should buy your wife something nice because she puts up with your ass, and not just once a year buddy.

Monday, February 1, 2010

A Rubber Duck and Clothes Pins (The World Tour Part: 2)


I met Erika at a bar on a cold winter night. It was a quiet bar, quiet enough for her accent to hit my ears and float into my brain and turn it to mush and the rest of me to something not so mushy. After a couple drinks I learned she was from England but had lived in the states since her early teens. She was blond and had a naughty teacher look going on that reminded me that I missed out on certain things growing up being home schooled. After a few drinks we parted with numbers and promises to call one another. I didn't have to wait long before I received a text asking to meet up for drinks again. Before I had reached my car Erika had text me. I agreed to meet her that Saturday last afternoon since I had obligations the next night. Saturday came around and we met up for a late lunch and a few drinks, the conversation started light and flirty then things got strange.

We had a few drinks and the bar started to get a bit loud so we decided to walk. It being the warm spring day it of 33 degrees and wind blowing like a bitch we decided to take a trek around the local mall to get to know each other better. This girl who was quiet and slightly reserved, dressed in casual khaki's and blouse with her moon shaped glasses was not what she seemed. We talked casually about work, likes and dislikes, families, siblings and other things. We wandered the mall for a couple hours and I found that she laughed at my little observations about the people shopping and wasting their life trying to be just like everyone wanted them to be. Never once did I hear a curse word from her mouth in the entire four hours we were together between the bar and the mall. We were on the escalator when she asked if I wanted to watch a movie, I said of course I would. “Let's rent a movie and go to your place.” she said in a coy voice that lent no clue to what the night ahead held. I felt her soft gentle hand creep its way into mine and something crawled through my skin and didn't feel right. I passed off the notion of running for the hills screaming that I had just seen a succubus for a firm squeeze of her hand instead. We walked along saying hardly a word, we reached the car and I opened the door and she turned and gave me a gentle kiss. We broke the kiss barely as it began, smiling like she had just stolen something important and gotten away with it she got in the car. The car ride was quiet and peaceful, she had her hands in her lap and seemed content, I was starting to like this one. She didn't seem like a crazy woman bent on twisting me to her every want. (We both know I'm a bad judge of a woman and that this is going to end badly right?) We talked about movies that were recently released and had practically decided what to watch before we even arrived at the rental store. We were in and out and in my apartment in less than fifteen minutes, for me that was a record. I rarely am able to escape a rental store without browsing for twenty minutes. We get inside and I offer to open a bottle of wine which she excitedly accepted. We put the movie in and sat down in an oversized chair curled up with a blanket and our wine.

The movie played out for about half an hour when the wine set in and I started to feel the warmth it brings and that was when I felt a hand start to roam. Hands moved, lips met and parted, thing progressed so we moved to the bedroom. The only light was from the bathroom adjacent to my room and this British beauty said “let me get my purse real quick, there's something I want to get.” I figure she was going for a condom and so I didn't bother reaching into my night stand for one, instead I leaned back against the wall while sitting on the bed. She comes back in just her panties and bra and those naughty come fuck me glasses of hers, but she was holding a large yellow rubber duck. Anytime a girl brings out toys I get excited in one of two ways. The first way would be the “Hell yeah! Let's get freaky!” excited, the other is the “what the fuck is that for, I'm scared” kind of excited. I was the second kind of excited, but being the adventurous guy I am, I decide to go with the flow and said “and what is your little friend for?” She crosses one arm over the other while holding the duck in front of her and says “well let me tell you about my Mr. Quack Quack, he is a good friend and I want you to meet him” then she tosses him to me. I catch the flying yellow bath duck toy and give it a playful squeeze, I was surprised that there wasn't a squeak from it, just a simple sound of empty air rushing out. I look from the duck to her and she was pulling her bra off, so I did what every man would do. I thought “fuck the duck, BOOBIES!” and tossed the duck. This earned me a punch to the leg followed by her saying “that wasn't nice! Mr. Quack Quack wants to play.” She reaches over me and grabs the duck places it on my chest and says in a voice that implies I should know what to do “I want you to use Mr. Quack Quack on me.” I am not someone who has neglected playing with toys and items you can find around the house with my girlfriends, but the rubber duck had me at a loss. At this point in my young life I had used everything from fruits and veggies in the fridge to a spatula on girlfriends, but this duck thing I couldn't get my head around, so I did the only thing an adult can do and asked “What the fuck do you want me to do to you with it?” while holding the duck quizzically in front of me. With that naughty school teacher tone she had she said “if you don't know, then you will just have to learn. Now do exactly as I say mister” and slapped my leg she had just moments earlier punched. As if the duck wasn't even there she launches into me with passionate kissing and groping, I suddenly think maybe she was just trying to see if I would react to something weird. Without getting too much into the needless info about the moment, I will just say that we were engaged and very active when suddenly she reaches over grabs the duck then stops me mid thrust. “It's time to get Mr. Quack Quack into the game” she said and rolled off of me and onto her back, hands me the duck and says “I want you to suck my clit with it.” I take the duck in hand and think where the hell did that sweet innocent school teacher go then realize why there was no squeaker in the damn thing. Holding the oversized yellow innocent duck in my hand I realize that this isn't the first time this poor duck had been through this strange ordeal. Being the trooper I am I took her directions and affixed it to her fun button, sounds of ecstasy and joy erupted from this British freak. I look up from what I'm doing to see that she had also just placed clothes pins on her nipples, where the fuck she got clothes pins from I have no idea. She gasps and says “Fuck me like a dirty duck!” By now I am no longer turned on in an erotic way, I was staring down at a true freak who just asked me to fuck her like a “dirty duck”. I had no idea how a “dirty duck” is supposed to get fucked, but like I said I am a trooper and decided to march forward with the task at hand. I tried to figure out how a duck has sex but realized that I had never seen that on The Discovery channel, I'm not sure anyone has actually. Though I wanted to continue I wasn't sure how to proceed, then it hit me. I'm a man, I should just take control of the situation and make something happen! I figured if I hadn't seen ducks have sex on The Discovery channel, more than likely shy hadn't either. I grabbed her by the hips, picked her up and flipped her over and went at it doggy or should I say “dirty duck” style. Everything was going fine besides that strange sensation of the duck stuck to her naughty parts until Mr. Quack Quack came off her fun button. “WAIT, WAIT, WAIT! PUT HIM BACK ON, I WANT TO FEEL BOTH OF YOU ON ME.” I figured what the fuck, why not let her get her rocks off this way if that's what it takes. Time passes we change positions and try different things, she removes the clothes pins and moves the duck to replace the vacant nipple telling me how she feels “Mr. Quack Quack sucking her tits so good”. By this time I've pushed past the “freaked out” stage and reached the “oh well, at least I'm still getting laid” stage.

I had reached the point that night where I didn't think anything else could be done with a duck, she had sucked its head, kissed it, had it suck her fun parts and try to use it as a breast pump. But the night wasn't over just yet, no she had one more thing she wanted done with the now infamous Mr. Quack Quack, she said to me “Adam I want you to fuck me from behind and when I am about to come I want you to squeeze Mr Quack Quack's head into my ass!” I have had girls that were into some backdoor play, but never had a request for a bath toy to be used as a butt plug. There was only one response I felt appropriate at this point of events, I said in a manly tone “Sure, why the fuck not.” I am a man of my word and when she reached the point she was about to get off she gave the word and I defiled that poor, poor, poor yellow duck. Hearing a girl get off really good is my trigger, every guy has one and they are hard to get around. Within a few minutes we were finished, she unceremoniously pops the duck out of her rear and tosses it into her purse, hops off the bed and grabs her clothes pins then proceeds to get dressed. I pull on some pants and she says to me “oh don't worry about getting up, this was my once a month cheat. So I've got to get home before Brad gets to wondering if I'm coming home tonight. Thanks for an amazing time, you are the best dirty duck fucker yet!” She leans in kisses me with wild abandon, then turns away grabs her purse and picks up her phone and says “Oh my ride is here, I'll catch you later.” and like that she was gone.

I am not one to feel like I've been used, but if there ever was a time I felt like I was used it was right then. To say I was blown away by the events that had just taken place was an understatement, and to top the night off my roommate and his fiance walks into the apartment hand in hand and she ask “why is your shirt off?” I shrug and say “you know, just one of those nights where you fuck a girl in the ass with a rubber duck. Lost the shirt somewhere during that.” To this day she still thinks I'm insane, and I can't really blame her.