Monday, February 1, 2010
A Rubber Duck and Clothes Pins (The World Tour Part: 2)
I met Erika at a bar on a cold winter night. It was a quiet bar, quiet enough for her accent to hit my ears and float into my brain and turn it to mush and the rest of me to something not so mushy. After a couple drinks I learned she was from England but had lived in the states since her early teens. She was blond and had a naughty teacher look going on that reminded me that I missed out on certain things growing up being home schooled. After a few drinks we parted with numbers and promises to call one another. I didn't have to wait long before I received a text asking to meet up for drinks again. Before I had reached my car Erika had text me. I agreed to meet her that Saturday last afternoon since I had obligations the next night. Saturday came around and we met up for a late lunch and a few drinks, the conversation started light and flirty then things got strange.
We had a few drinks and the bar started to get a bit loud so we decided to walk. It being the warm spring day it of 33 degrees and wind blowing like a bitch we decided to take a trek around the local mall to get to know each other better. This girl who was quiet and slightly reserved, dressed in casual khaki's and blouse with her moon shaped glasses was not what she seemed. We talked casually about work, likes and dislikes, families, siblings and other things. We wandered the mall for a couple hours and I found that she laughed at my little observations about the people shopping and wasting their life trying to be just like everyone wanted them to be. Never once did I hear a curse word from her mouth in the entire four hours we were together between the bar and the mall. We were on the escalator when she asked if I wanted to watch a movie, I said of course I would. “Let's rent a movie and go to your place.” she said in a coy voice that lent no clue to what the night ahead held. I felt her soft gentle hand creep its way into mine and something crawled through my skin and didn't feel right. I passed off the notion of running for the hills screaming that I had just seen a succubus for a firm squeeze of her hand instead. We walked along saying hardly a word, we reached the car and I opened the door and she turned and gave me a gentle kiss. We broke the kiss barely as it began, smiling like she had just stolen something important and gotten away with it she got in the car. The car ride was quiet and peaceful, she had her hands in her lap and seemed content, I was starting to like this one. She didn't seem like a crazy woman bent on twisting me to her every want. (We both know I'm a bad judge of a woman and that this is going to end badly right?) We talked about movies that were recently released and had practically decided what to watch before we even arrived at the rental store. We were in and out and in my apartment in less than fifteen minutes, for me that was a record. I rarely am able to escape a rental store without browsing for twenty minutes. We get inside and I offer to open a bottle of wine which she excitedly accepted. We put the movie in and sat down in an oversized chair curled up with a blanket and our wine.
The movie played out for about half an hour when the wine set in and I started to feel the warmth it brings and that was when I felt a hand start to roam. Hands moved, lips met and parted, thing progressed so we moved to the bedroom. The only light was from the bathroom adjacent to my room and this British beauty said “let me get my purse real quick, there's something I want to get.” I figure she was going for a condom and so I didn't bother reaching into my night stand for one, instead I leaned back against the wall while sitting on the bed. She comes back in just her panties and bra and those naughty come fuck me glasses of hers, but she was holding a large yellow rubber duck. Anytime a girl brings out toys I get excited in one of two ways. The first way would be the “Hell yeah! Let's get freaky!” excited, the other is the “what the fuck is that for, I'm scared” kind of excited. I was the second kind of excited, but being the adventurous guy I am, I decide to go with the flow and said “and what is your little friend for?” She crosses one arm over the other while holding the duck in front of her and says “well let me tell you about my Mr. Quack Quack, he is a good friend and I want you to meet him” then she tosses him to me. I catch the flying yellow bath duck toy and give it a playful squeeze, I was surprised that there wasn't a squeak from it, just a simple sound of empty air rushing out. I look from the duck to her and she was pulling her bra off, so I did what every man would do. I thought “fuck the duck, BOOBIES!” and tossed the duck. This earned me a punch to the leg followed by her saying “that wasn't nice! Mr. Quack Quack wants to play.” She reaches over me and grabs the duck places it on my chest and says in a voice that implies I should know what to do “I want you to use Mr. Quack Quack on me.” I am not someone who has neglected playing with toys and items you can find around the house with my girlfriends, but the rubber duck had me at a loss. At this point in my young life I had used everything from fruits and veggies in the fridge to a spatula on girlfriends, but this duck thing I couldn't get my head around, so I did the only thing an adult can do and asked “What the fuck do you want me to do to you with it?” while holding the duck quizzically in front of me. With that naughty school teacher tone she had she said “if you don't know, then you will just have to learn. Now do exactly as I say mister” and slapped my leg she had just moments earlier punched. As if the duck wasn't even there she launches into me with passionate kissing and groping, I suddenly think maybe she was just trying to see if I would react to something weird. Without getting too much into the needless info about the moment, I will just say that we were engaged and very active when suddenly she reaches over grabs the duck then stops me mid thrust. “It's time to get Mr. Quack Quack into the game” she said and rolled off of me and onto her back, hands me the duck and says “I want you to suck my clit with it.” I take the duck in hand and think where the hell did that sweet innocent school teacher go then realize why there was no squeaker in the damn thing. Holding the oversized yellow innocent duck in my hand I realize that this isn't the first time this poor duck had been through this strange ordeal. Being the trooper I am I took her directions and affixed it to her fun button, sounds of ecstasy and joy erupted from this British freak. I look up from what I'm doing to see that she had also just placed clothes pins on her nipples, where the fuck she got clothes pins from I have no idea. She gasps and says “Fuck me like a dirty duck!” By now I am no longer turned on in an erotic way, I was staring down at a true freak who just asked me to fuck her like a “dirty duck”. I had no idea how a “dirty duck” is supposed to get fucked, but like I said I am a trooper and decided to march forward with the task at hand. I tried to figure out how a duck has sex but realized that I had never seen that on The Discovery channel, I'm not sure anyone has actually. Though I wanted to continue I wasn't sure how to proceed, then it hit me. I'm a man, I should just take control of the situation and make something happen! I figured if I hadn't seen ducks have sex on The Discovery channel, more than likely shy hadn't either. I grabbed her by the hips, picked her up and flipped her over and went at it doggy or should I say “dirty duck” style. Everything was going fine besides that strange sensation of the duck stuck to her naughty parts until Mr. Quack Quack came off her fun button. “WAIT, WAIT, WAIT! PUT HIM BACK ON, I WANT TO FEEL BOTH OF YOU ON ME.” I figured what the fuck, why not let her get her rocks off this way if that's what it takes. Time passes we change positions and try different things, she removes the clothes pins and moves the duck to replace the vacant nipple telling me how she feels “Mr. Quack Quack sucking her tits so good”. By this time I've pushed past the “freaked out” stage and reached the “oh well, at least I'm still getting laid” stage.
I had reached the point that night where I didn't think anything else could be done with a duck, she had sucked its head, kissed it, had it suck her fun parts and try to use it as a breast pump. But the night wasn't over just yet, no she had one more thing she wanted done with the now infamous Mr. Quack Quack, she said to me “Adam I want you to fuck me from behind and when I am about to come I want you to squeeze Mr Quack Quack's head into my ass!” I have had girls that were into some backdoor play, but never had a request for a bath toy to be used as a butt plug. There was only one response I felt appropriate at this point of events, I said in a manly tone “Sure, why the fuck not.” I am a man of my word and when she reached the point she was about to get off she gave the word and I defiled that poor, poor, poor yellow duck. Hearing a girl get off really good is my trigger, every guy has one and they are hard to get around. Within a few minutes we were finished, she unceremoniously pops the duck out of her rear and tosses it into her purse, hops off the bed and grabs her clothes pins then proceeds to get dressed. I pull on some pants and she says to me “oh don't worry about getting up, this was my once a month cheat. So I've got to get home before Brad gets to wondering if I'm coming home tonight. Thanks for an amazing time, you are the best dirty duck fucker yet!” She leans in kisses me with wild abandon, then turns away grabs her purse and picks up her phone and says “Oh my ride is here, I'll catch you later.” and like that she was gone.
I am not one to feel like I've been used, but if there ever was a time I felt like I was used it was right then. To say I was blown away by the events that had just taken place was an understatement, and to top the night off my roommate and his fiance walks into the apartment hand in hand and she ask “why is your shirt off?” I shrug and say “you know, just one of those nights where you fuck a girl in the ass with a rubber duck. Lost the shirt somewhere during that.” To this day she still thinks I'm insane, and I can't really blame her.