Thursday, October 28, 2010

Jesus Will Make You Skinny!

Yesterday I encountered a segment of the religious community that I had thought to be on the downswing. I was proven wrong by the infomercial of “Body Gospel Fitness”, a program designed to praise Jesus while getting fit. You only need to purchase the six DVD set along with the Gospel Fitness Band, Gospel Weight along with a few other holy tools to get slim for Jesus. A slogan I heard repeated was “through his power we will get thin, through his grace we’ll shed the fat!” Yes my friends your eyes did not deceive you, though I’m afraid that this infomercial was deceiving everyone that has either purchased or believes this insanity. Now you might say “Adam, it must be effective and blessed by God’s divine hand if it kept your attention”, not true I say.

I was at the laundry mat waiting on my clothes to dry and unfortunately I was unable to change the channel since it was a public TV. I attempted to be polite and civil regarding the programming, but let’s just face the facts:

1. I am neither civil to most humans.

2. Nor am I polite when it comes to stupidity on this level.

As I was sharing a table with a woman folding her laundry I noticed her watching the TV casually and could see the disgust in her eyes as she looked up from time to time. I could not restrain myself from leaning over to say “can you believe this shit?” (I have a potty mouth around everyone, it couldn’t be helped.) Now to say that I was wrong when I assumed her disgust was with the blatant prostitution of religion to the mass sheep would be an understatement. This woman’s response was “No I can’t, I don’t understand why they dress like that. Only their husbands and Jesus should see them like that, it’s a shame that it’s come to this.” It took a moment to pick my jaw off the table and reattach it to my face, but once that task had been accomplished I couldn’t stop the words from flying past my teeth “Are you fucking kidding me?” To which she stuttered and said “No I’m not, I think it’s wrong for them to dress like that.” I was outraged by the implied message that Jesus love skinny people more than fat people. I will be the first to admit that I am grossed out by fat people. One might construe that as me being biased or prejudice against them for being obese. I’m fine with that because as a human I am capable of such low and evil deeds that are petty and vain as disliking the morbidly disgustingly fat tubs of lard that sit on their ass on Sunday to watch the televangelist tell them that they are going to heaven if they just send $20.00 to his church. For a religious advertisement to claim (albeit subversively) that Jesus will love them more for being skinny is a moral outrage! That is the same kind of thinking of our friends the Mormons (who won’t admit but have in the past) believe that black people are loved less by god because they were at one time cursed, changing them from the beautiful “Christian White” to the dark color of the devil. STUPID! IGNORANT! MORONIC! MYOPIC! MAGIC UNDERWEAR WEARING FUCKING DUMBASS PEOPLE! (Sorry, I just had to get that out of my system.)

Where does the company behind Body Gospel Fitness get their morals from? What possibly allowed them to think this was a morally positive thing to advertise. How many people will be duped into purchasing this program with the belief that Jesus will help them loose weight? Ten? Twenty? Two hundred? No matter the number it is too many for this to be considered a good thing. I am in complete support of anyone who does something to become healthier, I believe in exercising, eating right and taking care of your body. But whoring out the religious masses to an idea like this is just wrong. Praying to Jesus to help you become skinny is just as useful as praying to the flying spaghetti monster to make you rich! It just doesn’t work!

I understand that everyone is out to make a buck, and perhaps if I didn’t have such an animosity towards religion I might let this slide (though I highly doubt it). I can only imagine what comes next? “Sin Free Peanut Butter! It’s sin free because it’s not chunky!” Or new “Holy Charmin” Removes up to 99.9% of sin when you poo! You know it’s working when you see the scripture turn red like the blood of Christ on the toilet paper! The insanity displayed by this harlot is beyond the simple lies of the church about what constitutes “sinning”, this goes so far as to claim that the love of their “all loving god” isn’t so all loving. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that the religious community should get together and revolt because this person is using a form of coercion on the religious. I am saying that the choice to sell a product directed at a community with false advertisement is wrong, but add that this person is using the religious angle on top of it all makes me sick. The worst part of this program is that it is put together by a woman who was appointed to the health dept under George W. Bush which unfortunately lends credence to the accuracy of her claims that purchasing these dvd and products will not help you loose weight because it’s EXERCISE but that it helps you loose weight because it’s blessed by a god. How silly is that? I find that it is an insult to anyone who has half a brain to understand what this person is saying. She is taking away the credit and the accomplishment that belongs to the people who have actually lost their weight and giving it to a conceptualized idea of what her god looks like. I think that is just sad, she should be patting these people on the back saying “you did a damn fine job today! I’m proud of you for dropping five pounds!” Instead she declares over and over that Jesus is the one getting them skinny. How insulting to steel away someone’s accomplishments like that.

To return to the monetary portion of this topic, I would like to describe a couple key items that they recommend one purchase to get the most out of their time with god. First you need to pick up their “Body Gospel Bands”. These bands are blessed by god’s holy power to help you shed the pounds. Also let us not forget the blessed hand weights! Through the power of god these will help you fight off the evil of fat! Ok maybe I’m making up the slogans for these two items, but they are actually both available on their website. The trickery that these people are playing on the public should be criminal. There is no reason to exploit the public to such idiotic ideas. No man woman or child needs blessed rubber bands to loose inches. Any exercise bands will work, but I guess to be a good Christian you need to be a good sheep. Which in this case means you need to be dumb enough to purchase at an increased price what you could pick up from your local sports store for about half the price?

I’ve gone on long enough so I will close with this proclamation. I have stopped watching television on Sunday mornings. It just pisses me off.