Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Bloody Bell Ringer Found Murdred By Bell!

Tis the season for BAH HUMBUG!

The holiday is upon us again, but before you suspect me to launch into a tirade of slander against all that is Christmas hold your breath. This may come as a surprise that I don’t mind Christmas all that much. Sure the idea that we as a society know that Jesus was born on December 25th at 0 bc is a little insane… or a shit ton insane and arrogant by anyone too claim. No, I’m not going to lash out against that creepy B&E loving velvet wearing bastard. Instead this will be a blog that spans a bit of the spectrum of things I like and a few I dislike.

Let’s see, to start with something I like? Or dislike?…… Ah! First let’s talk about something I like. I love the cold weather! From early childhood I’ve always wanted white Christmases, a few have come but not nearly enough. I like the winter; it’s cold and brutal at times. But I have never been inspired more than in the winter when looking at the hidden life and potential that lies waiting under the snow covered land. There is something primal about winter that gets brought out in people, a violence that is brewing under the surface waiting to burst out. This is easily seen during annual Christmas shopping on black Friday and other sales events. Women yelling and pulling hair over a doll, fathers beating each other senseless over a Nintendo Wii, it is just brutal! Nothing says Merry Christmas like a bloody lip and black eye. Winter itself is a harsh world that brings out the best and worst in people which is too often forgotten in the summer warmth and sunshine. In a blizzard many will stop to help someone who has driven off the road into a ditch, or offer a coat to a needy person. Of course there is the other side as well that is our nature to self preserve which screams at us to not give any help to others and to take what you want regardless of who gets hurt in the process. I think this is where the violence of Black Friday typically comes from, along with the Christmas Eve shoppers. The attitude of ‘damn the rest, it’s my goddamn toy!’ comes to mind. I can’t help but see these shoppers as apes acting the fool for any willing to sit back and watch. The summer just doesn’t offer these types of actions. The sun is shining and the only worry most have is which lake they want to go hang out at this upcoming weekend. I like winter and its harsh exposure of humanity in each of us. Christmas is no exception; I’ve already touched on the psychosis of Black Friday shopping but let’s dip our toe into the water just a bit.

Christmas shopping, it always starts out for me as something I enjoy doing, but in the end it makes me a crazy grumpy bastard that wants to murder people ringing bells. When I start my Christmas shopping I spend time researching the gifts I want to bestow on loved ones. Toys for the children my siblings have, things my siblings themselves would like. But as the shopping continues I become the Grinch mumbling “Bah humbug”. For those who are early on my shopping list they often find themselves with unique and enjoyable gifts. If you happen to be at the end of my list… expect coal at best. I have learned in the last few years to pace myself for these experiences. I now know that if I go shopping that I should shop for no more than two hours and for no more than three people on my list. After two hours I become Mr. Scrooge yelling at the sales clerk that I would prefer those around me to die and decrease the surplus population! But as long as I keep my shopping limited to just a couple hours I can manage a few mumbled “Humbug’s” without too much fuss. Other than my affinity for being a grumpy shopper I enjoy purchasing things for those I care about, it’s just those I am obligated to purchase something whom I find their company less than desirable….anyway, this leads me to another item on my “dislike” list. Bell ringers!

I don’t hate many things quite as much as I hate the bell ringers. They are at Wal-Mart and many other stores which I try to avoid, I love Target for doing away with them! Thank you too whoever that person was because my restraint from murdering people is limited. Between the shopping and the bell ringing my boundaries of tolerance are truly stretched thin. I am not alone in this disdain for the bell ringers, many of you have felt the same way. Whether or not you will admit to this is completely up to you. I on the other hand believe that honesty is the best policy.

I hate, hate, HATE bell ringers! There are a few different varieties of them that I have cataloged in my attempt to distract myself from the urge to rip the bell from their hands and beat them senseless with it, smashing it over and over again into their ear screaming “It’s fucking annoying so stop ringing the god damn bell!”

A.) The pot smoking bell ringer.
These I don’t mind as much as others, mostly because they are too stoned to ring the bell and only ring it when someone actually puts money in the bucket.

B.) The slow and steady like a train bell ringer.
This one is like a constant scraping of nails on a chalkboard. I want to hurt this person badly, but not as much as I want to cover up my ears and run past them muttering profanities.

C.) The “I ate too many candy canes and have one up my ass” bell ringer!
This son of a bitch needs to die. This is the one that will ring the bell as fast as they can and wave it at people as they pass by. I have on more than one occasion actually grabbed the bell they were ringing at me and scolded them like a small child for being a nuisance to society, that they should be ashamed of their actions and that they could only have the bell back after they promise to not act like a damn fool ringing it at people.

D.) The “I think I’m Santa” bell ringer (I will kill this son of a bitch one day!)
This bell ringing asshole is the guy who attempts to act like he is Santa with his fake “ho ho ho” laugh and his insistent “MERRY CHRISTMAS” yelling while ringing the bell, attempting what I can only assume is music. This one sings to people as they walk past, attempts physical interaction and wants to “spread Christmas cheer” with his disgusting unkempt hands that have been places Thor would fear to tread. I have met only a few of these people. But each time I meet one I have the urge to punch them in the face steal their bell and run away only to return with that bell melted into bullets to shoot that bastard in the hand the next time he rings that goddamn bell! I would then of course run up steal that bell too and keep returning to shoot that bastard in the hand every time he started to ring it again. If he decided to sing a tune at a shopper passing by he would get a “bell bullet” in his stupid annoying mouth! Of course this is only the insanity talking that was brought on by the bastard ringing the bell at me today at the goddamn local Wal-Mart.

Merry Christmas to all each of you, yep you heard right. This atheist said Merry Christmas, I had one person ask me after I said this how I could celebrate a “Christian” holiday? My response was “when was the last time Jesus showed up for a Christmas shopping event at the mall instead of Santa?