Friday, October 21, 2011

If You Are Reading This, The World Didn't End!

Is it here yet? The end of the world I mean, is it truly here? Oh yeah, it’s not! That’s tomorrow… sorry I keep getting my doomsday prophecy mixed up with the day American’s Got X-Factor Dance Idol…. Or whatever that shows is called comes on TV….. Actually someone just corrected me and told me doomsday is today… Sorry, it's just so easy to get these doomsdays on the wrong day. Happens to the best prophets throughout history; so why shouldn’t it happen to me?

For a quick recap here is the run down keep reading or for my other blog on the subject click here http://adamgarton.blogspot.com/2011/05/its-end-of-world-as-we-know-it-and-i.html
May 21, 2011 we were all supposed to die a horrible fiery death according to Harold Camping of the Family Radio Worldwide. Well the poor guy got it wrong, the Rapture was to take place that day leaving the rest of us to be judged and suffer until today. Well he had to change his mind a few times but in the end he found the answer, yes the answer to the great question of when the world’s greatest religious genocide would take place. That day would be October 21, 2011! Being the day when we ALL DIE, I think that October 21, 2011 is a terrible date for doomsday! Personally I would have at least waited until Halloween, that way we could all dress up and act all sorts of dumb before dying. But here we are moments away from our doom…. Who the hell am I kidding? This is such a crock of shit, I can’t wait for tomorrow, to wake up to a new day full of the same possibilities that were here toda (which in my town are not many). Now that I think of it, doomsday actually sounds kind of fun. At least it would be a change of pace from my normal humdrum life, an opportunity to experience something new in my small town. Though as I sit wishing for what I would hope to be the Zombie Apocalypse, I fear that tomorrow will simply be another day I wake early, drink my coffee, read the morning news and get ready for the Sooner's ball game tomorrow night.

If you happen to be all doomsday’d and unable to read this note then you won’t mind me saying that I never wanted to write this anyway… It was just needed, because to spread fear and ignorance based upon an idea and not any facts is simply wrong. There are so many other things to spread, like peanut butter, jelly, mayo, germs, disease or even legs when being frisked by the TSA officer at the airport. Fear doesn’t need to be in the mix of things being spread. Have a great weekend and check back soon for the Halloween blog I’m working on. Should be fun… or crap; either way you should read it so I am not just writing notes to myself like a crazy man.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Sunday, Bloody Sunday!


As a people we learn from our past, we learn from the history of others that have come before us. Walked the path and blazed the trail (add any of the cliche statements you’d like). I have found that by looking back from time to time it helps me discover why I’ve turned out the way I have. Though I think that I would have eventually reached the same point, but possibly with a slightly less sardonic tone to my daily interactions with those meager creatures I share a kinship too by species. Though I doubt it. I grew up in church, like most who are raised in the midwest. Church is a weekly affair including the weekly allotment of Hymns. I remember one conversation I overheard between two of the deacons of the church debating on a radical idea of including “modern” christian music in the worship music on Sunday morning services. Looking back this is a rather silly thing to debate, it would be like me debating with a fellow pickle enthusiast over the inclusion of Kosher dill relish as a option to the traditional sweet relish we use here in the midwest. It doesn’t matter, it’s just pickles. Though this topic of debate was rather divisive throughout my youth among the elders of the church. Though I’d preferred Nirvana’s Smells Like Teen Spirit to be on the table rather than a “new hymn” that was actually slightly less than one hundred years old.

I have some fond memories of seeing old ladies crying their eyes out at these songs. They are fond because I always had a view of the morbidity of these songs glorification of the grotesque. Looking back at this bit of my history it makes more sense why I tend to be a bit twisted in my sense of humor and what is offensive to me. Let’s take a peak at what I used to sing each Sunday at the good ol’ save yer soul church service.



The Old Rugged Cross

On a hill far away stood an old rugged cross,

The emblem of suffering and shame;

And I love that old cross where the dearest and best

For a world of lost sinners was slain.

So I’ll cherish the old rugged cross,

Till my trophies at last I lay down;

I will cling to the old rugged cross,

And exchange it some day for a crown.

O that old rugged cross, so despised by the world,

Has a wondrous attraction for me;

For the dear Lamb of God left His glory above
,
To bear it to dark Calvary.

In that old rugged cross, stained with blood so divine,

A wondrous beauty I see, 

For ’twas on that old cross Jesus suffered and died,

To pardon and sanctify me.

To the old rugged cross I will ever be true;

Its shame and reproach gladly bear;

Then He’ll call me some day to my home far away,

Where His glory forever I’ll share.



Now let’s play a little game of switcheroo. I’m going to replace each of the word “cross” with “Electric Chair” perhaps this will illistrate how screwed up this song is.




The Old Rugged Electric Chair

On a hill far away stood an old rugged electric chair,

The emblem of suffering and shame;

And I love that old electric chair where the dearest and best

For a world of lost sinners was slain.

So I’ll cherish the old rugged electric chair,

Till my trophies at last I lay down;

I will cling to the old rugged electric chair,

And exchange it some day for a crown.

O that old rugged electric chair,
so despised by the world,

Has a wondrous attraction for me;

For the dear Lamb of God left His glory above

To bear it to dark Alcatraz .

In that old rugged electric chair,
stained with blood so divine,

A wondrous beauty I see,

For ’twas on that old electric chair Jesus suffered and died,

To pardon and sanctify me.

To the old rugged electric chair I will ever be true;

Its shame and reproach gladly bear;

Then He’ll call me some day to my home far away,

Where His glory forever I’ll share.



Gasp! My word! That’s just blasphemy! Come on I take it, tell me how you feel? I hope you laughed a bit. Yes, I’m poking fun at your old faithful song. Let’s take a look at this in a practical light. By replacing one object in the song of equal task I’ve illustrated how strange singing this song is. At least I hope it makes sense in this light! As a culture the weekly singing of one of the most famous hymns in America we were no better than going to see the prisoner executed at the gallows or in the chair. We think capitol punishment is rather crude now days, though some might argue it is needed as a deterant to others from committing the same crimes. If you want I can go further into this one song, but I think I’ve illustrated my point with this one.
Another great song that christians love to sing in the midwest is Nothing But The Blood. This one I will add commentary to each verse because I simply can’t resist.
Nothing But The Blood

What can wash away my sin? (Lava Soap and a shot of whisky works for me)

Nothing but the blood of Jesus; (Oh my bad, didn’t know we needed to cut someone.)

What can make me whole again? (Stitches?)

Nothing but the blood of Jesus. (Oh, umm not sure how that will work. I mean maybe if he bled on you and it scabbed over somehow. But he might have a blood born pathogen you don’t want... just saying.)

Oh! precious is the flow
That makes me white as snow; (I like clorox too!)

No other fount I know,
Nothing but the blood of Jesus. ( Really? Blood is really hard to get out of clothes and never leaves anything white!)
For my pardon, this I see,
Nothing but the blood of Jesus; (I could be wrong, but I don’t know of any pardons written by a government official ever written in blood. Pretty sure that doesn’t meet the industry standards of Black or Blue ink on contracts.)

For my cleansing this my plea,
Nothing but the blood of Jesus. (Geez, with the blood again. I would recommend an alcohol base for cleansing anything, or the bleach.)


Nothing can for sin atone,
Nothing but the blood of Jesus; (So I have to go vampire on a mexican called Jesus? Not cool man!)

Naught of good that I have done,
Nothing but the blood of Jesus. (So being good doesn’t cut it, you have to cut a jew... or a mexican.... This makes no sense.)

This is all my hope and peace,
Nothing but the blood of Jesus; (We all know peace doesn’t come from blood, it comes from bombs dropped from big fucking air planes! At least that is what Pres. Bush said... kind of...)

This is all my righteousness,
Nothing but the blood of Jesus. (So you are a righteous man because you have my lawn guys blood? I’m pretty sure he will want that back. He might have been banking that at the local Red Cross or something. )


Now by this I’ll overcome—
Nothing but the blood of Jesus, (Herpes isn’t cured by blood, so no overcoming that man.)
Now by this I’ll reach my home—
Nothing but the blood of Jesus. (Hold on! Wait right there! Are you saying that blood is actually an alternative fuel? What the hell man! Why aren’t we all researching that!)

Glory! Glory! This I sing—
Nothing but the blood of Jesus, (Oh man, back with the “yeah blood” thing... it’s really getting old.)
All my praise for this I bring—
Nothing but the blood of Jesus. ( Are you kidding me? Really? Still with the blood issue... Wait... I’ve got it! This whole song is really singing the virtues of Blood Magic! Why didn’t I see that before? Man I feel silly now for making fun of this song. )


Did you know that with one simple search of Google.com with a criteria of “Hymn ‘blood’” you will get back 12.9 million results? If you go to Nethymnal.org and simply type in “blood” you will get back 803 hymns about Blood! The obsession with blood in church is amazing! Though the more disturbing thing is that all these songs written about death, brutal public execution is looked upon as a great thing. A act that should be put upon the same pedestal of a soldier throwing himself on a grenade to save his comrades. This kind of adoration is something that should not be the norm to rational people. Please think before invoking blood magic people. Hymns are all good fun till someone realizes they are filled with public execution, imaginary friends and blood magic. Sounds silly but read what you sing on Sunday morning and think.

Here is a little something fun from TheThinkingAtheist.com


Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Apocalypse Now? Maybe?


Hang your head and cry, tear out your hair and weep for the lost masses yet to come! It’s been officially announced that the end of the world will now happen on October 21, 2011. I have a plan my fellow human beings! I have a dream, a vision, a hope for a better world. On October 21 it is prophesied that the world will fall to a great destruction. It will be “quick” and we will all cease to exist. As a rational being who has seen more than just Mr. Camping’s insanity before I look forward to this day. If the apocalypse does happen then we will all be killed violently and thus cease to exist ending any frustration we might have over the doomsday clock ticking continuously for the last 2000 years or more. But! If it does NOT end I have a plan that should be taken into consideration. This is not born out of malice or hatred of the old coot, but out of a humanitarian need to assist in making this man’s life worth something. To bring some sort of validity to a man that by then will be 90 would in a sense provide me with a bit of joy and fulfillment in my life personally. So here is my plan laid out in a few simple steps.



1.ZOMBIES! ! !
2.Road Trip to Mr. Camping’s home in Alameda Ca.
3.Volunteers
4.A Hollywood company to donate thousands of gallons of fake blood and body parts!


Here is how this should go down. I submit to you that we dress as zombies the night of Oct 20 with thousands of other volunteers all in glorious zombie regalia! We march on his street dressed in gore, missing body parts and entrails dragging behind us and blood flooding the streets. But be respectful about it and remain off his lawn of course, as to not break the trespassing laws of his private property. Upon his waking he will eventually look out the window to see a street filled with walking corpses, people eating flesh and stumbling about with vacant eyes. We will need at least one person to run screaming through the crowd who will reach his porch begging asylum from the apocalypse then run away as he is opening the door. Only to be brought down and “devoured” by the zombies. This will do two things; first it will provide some much needed entertainment for me personally since work has been rather unfulfilling as of late. Second, it will fulfill his vision of the end of the world. Who knows maybe he will drop dead from the excitement and will get to “meet his maker”. Good deed of the day = DONE!



As for the rest of the believers out there that actually think this guy is right even after his botched attempt the other day, please be aware that we will do our best to take care of the earth while you are gone. If that be a few hours or years, decades, centuries or millions of years; we will do our best without you. I do have a couple requests of you before you go though. Those of us in the baby eating society called heathen atheist ask that as you depart this mortal coil you leave the doors to your residents unlocked so that we can donate your belongings to needy people, offer shelter for less fortunate, provide food an shelter for the masses of downtrodden you left behind in the wake of the Christian mass exit on Oct 21. Your cooperation will be greatly appreciated as perhaps the greatest single act of charity that the Christian community has provided the world. We do hope you have a safe trip to the afterlife and that the comet….err I mean space ship…. No that’s not it either… well whatever it is you are riding to meet god this time around. Don’t forget to bring a towel, Douglas Addams was right in saying that you never know when or how you might need a towel when you travel. With this in mind I leave you all with these words. If the world does end and those of us who happen to not believe are left behind know that it wasn’t for lack of trying on your part to convince us with your scare tactics, hate mongering, violence or continued support of TBN. It was simply because there is not enough evidence to support the idea that the world will end just because a book written by nomadic tribes in a bronze age Mesopotamia said it would. Plus it is just plain silly.



P.S. Be sure to leave the ketchup out in case your children happen to not make it in the rapture. We baby eating monsters do so love the taste of the young ones…… MMMM

Friday, May 20, 2011

It's The End Of The World As We Know It, And I Feel Fine.

Judgment day is here! Bring out your dead! Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war! Have a Coke and a candy bar! Ah fuck I’m out. May 21, 2011 is upon us and according to Harold Camping we are all about to be screwed! All the Christians are going to be raptured away. That is right, in less than 24 hours all (myself included) the heathen, Jew, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist, Mormon, neo Nazi, queers and atheist will all be boned right in the butt! Yes it is time for all the Tea Party members… wait… Uhh REPUBLICANS…… no, not just them…. Hang on I have this written down somewhere…. Oh Ignorant blind Christian pigs who can be observed in their natural habitat of shouting hate at gay rallies will finally get to go to heaven! By heaven I mean going to bed tomorrow night with the taste of anticipation only to wake May 22, 2011 to find they are forced to say “FUCK, I got that one wrong.”
 
The Doomsayers have been out in force lately spouting the end is near. This is something many of us are very familiar with, especially those who have grown up in the Midwest. It was the side dish with every meal, a thought provoking piece to ponder over while eating. I remember as a child hearing my mother say “Adam, eat all your peas because Jesus could come back any moment and you might not get to go because you didn’t finish your peas like I told you too. That is disobeying your parents and that’s a sin!” Looking into those fishbowl eyes of hers I felt two things, first was the urge to pick my plate up and throw it against the wall while screaming “You are a fucking liar, I haven’t finished my peas in six months and look Jesus still hasn’t come!” The second was that sideways glance too dad who simply looked over rolled his eyes and said “Son, just eat your food.” My over active imagination though would from time to time kick in and I would find myself imagining my family members one by one flying through the roof of our tiny house ripping holes in the ceiling, severing arms and legs as they are pulled through the wood and shingles. I would suddenly find myself eating slower thinking “I don’t want to go in the rapture unless I am outside!” But like any child you have doubt in your own thinking and eventually start to think that mom might be right and a fear of living for seven whole long eternal years on earth without my mom would be impossible to survive; Especially knowing that at the end of the seven years if I was not already dead I would get killed anyway! If you asked me now how I would feel about seven years without mom telling me I need to eat the peas on my plate I wouldn’t be able to say “sign me up” fast enough.
 
Back to Harold Camping! This chap was born July 19, 1921 and claims to know when the world will end. Yes if you are wondering this is the same Harold Camping who claimed that September 6th 1994 would be the end of the world as well. He has since retracted that statement saying his math was off. He believes he has cracked the ultimate question by math, and for that I say “congrats… quack”. This is not to discredit the work of mathematicians, in fact I believe that the world has and will continue to run on mathematics. Nerds stay strong! We need your braininess! Harold though is a different sort, a graduate from University of California with a degree in civil engineering. An impressive degree to those of us normal folk who do well to balance a personal budget at home. I would almost give him credit for his mathematics if it weren’t for the simple fact that he is a quack. So much so that virtually every major Christian group have disavowed his fanatical approach to the end of the world. I was tempted to chalk this up to him being rather old and going senile 89 year old, except that he has been making predictions and outlandish claims since 1988. Now for those who are doing the math in your head that was 23 years ago which would have made him on this date in 1988 sixty six years old. At 66 Harold should have still had his wits and full faculty of his cognitive reasoning, which leads me to now believe that he has been a quack long before his launch into the public eye. Mr. Camping claims that May 21, 2011 will be the start of the end of the world, the day when all pre-chosen Christians will rapture into heaven leaving us unworthy behind to suffer until the end. Mr. Camping has been kind enough to let us know that our “end” will come on October 21, to be honest I feel slightly cheated of time. The bible offers at least seven years of tribulation prior to the end! But perhaps Harold just doesn’t care since he will be gone tomorrow anyway.
 
Personally I find this exciting, I am inclined to have a Rapture Party! I want to gather all my Christian friends together, believers and none believers waiting for that fateful moment when bodies go flying though roofs and through windshields! I’d be excited to see them get what they have hoped, prayed and begged for all the years to come to pass. But my skepticism prevents me from really believing. Either way though it could be fun, beer bratwurst and bodies flying through roofs.. My place May 21, 2011 we will keep the party going till the Christians are gone! Really I think it could be fun! Besides if it doesn’t work out I will be offering counseling sessions on coping without a god.
 
P.S. BYOB! Don’t drink mine ya bastards!

Thursday, March 17, 2011

What The World Needs Now Is Less People!


I want to start by saying that if any senator or public figure actually ever reads this, I will vote for you if you propose a bill that mandates people must be IQ and sociologically tested prior to earning a permit to reproduce! That being said I want to revisit the events that have led me to a point of near regurgitation. This evening I happen to work late and after nearly 14 hours of work I wanted nothing more than something simple and quick to eat before heading home. I did not want to clean up after cooking for myself, I also felt no need to eat someplace that waited on me, so to Taco Bell I went. this choice of eateries proved to be a mistake on many levels this evening. I was joined by a friend of mine who happens to share my disdain for most of humanity and thus also suffered through the travesty of this evenings events.

First I want to touch on a sociological issue that is near and dear to my heart. Population control! Reports from a research group at the UN suggest that the total population of earth will be over nine billion by the year 2050. This fact is a disturbing thing, the task of producing enough food for that number of people is currently in question, we are in for some difficult times ahead if people continue to reproduce at this rate. A couple things to consider, if a man and a woman love each other dearly I fully support their union and hope they share many happy moments together. If that couple chooses to start a family they should be tested. Not the standard “Are you blood relative” test to attempt to avoid birth defects. But a battery of test that would approximate the likelihood of this couples offspring contributing to the fat/lazy/stupid syndrome in America particularly. What do I mean by this? Simply that if this couple both test low on an intelligence exam and also exhibit habits of a inbred stupid redneck they should both be sterilized. Of course there should be parameters that could determine if this genetic de-evolution could be above a 75% chance then obviously they should not be allowed to have children. I want you to follow along with me into the future and keep in mind two things. Stupid people often have four to seven kids, smart people typically have one, at most two and some have none at all. I think we would all agree that the future of our race is dependent upon smart and industrious children being born today. The problem lies in the math, if smart people have less children than dumb people, the dumb people will eventually outbreed the smart people and the world will be run by creatures that would make our Neanderthal ancestors look like Einstein. I do believe that some intelligence can come from unintelligent people. For instance, my parents were average at best but gave birth to a brilliant brother of mine who is finishing his PhD at a renown university. I do not pose that all idiots breeding will result in only idiots being born. But the likelihood of an increasing number of stupid idiotic fucks being born will lead to the eventual outbreeding of intelligent people. Eventually the stupid shits will be forced to take up the positions of public office and make decisions that will effect the rest of the existence.

Example: Redneck idiot raised by two redneck “good christian” idiots who think NASCAR is the best sport ever created (because it’s all about driving fast) is elected President. A simple conversation between this christian right wing redneck president and a stupid religious zealot Islamic leader, neither can or will attempt to learn about each others culture resulting in a argument that leads to a dick measuring contest. Results of such a contest is the launch of nukes and the end of humanity. All because stupid idiots were allowed to breed. Do you want that on your head? I know I don’t want to be the one responsible for allowing such an atrocity to occur, so I propose we start by regulating who can and cannot have offspring!

How did I get to the idea of population control from sitting and eating dinner at Taco Bell? It started as many other trips to a fast food restaurant, by me pulling in and hating my fat ass for stopping there but not motivated enough to actually cook something worth eating at home. The first item on my plate? Guilt with a side of hot sauce! The man taking my order, a gentleman who at first glance didn’t seem to belong working in a fast food joint. That is until I noticed the scar tissue around entry points in his arms where needless had obviously been used repeatedly. My first thought was “good for him to take a job and attempt to get his life straight!” ok you are right, that wasn’t my first thought. “Look at this mother fucking junkie, better not drop his dime bag in my fucking cinnamon twist!” Though despite his obvious setbacks he was one of the more accurate and polite employees I’ve seen in a Taco Bell. My number was given and I filled my drink, in short order my food was placed on the counter and a halfway house reject yelled at the top of his lungs “ORDER 17!” Fully aware that I was standing three feat away. Not only did I give him a look of “I hope you fucking die”, but expressed my displeasure by saying “Dude you don’t have to yell, I’m right here!” I took my tray containing my order and retreated to a booth in hopes to consume the semi-meat products that Taco Bell is passing off as actual taco meat. My friend was already in the midst of creating a cocktail out of the different taco sauces, he whips together a mix that turns to a color that reminded me of something I coughed up once while suffering from a bronchial infection. This is the same guy who will put garlic salt on everything, I mean everything! If he ate PB&J I’m sure he would add garlic salt. I of course being of a lower life form incapable of understanding that all things edible require garlic salt disregarded his idiosincrqocies as brain damage suffered durring a childhood fratricide attempt by his brother. It takes no more than two minutes before a family of five to approach the counter to order their dinner, upon hearing their voices I immediately wanted to spit my burrito out and run out of the building for fear of hearing someone praise the finery of American cheese because it’s Amrricin! (Redneck for “American”) Lucky for me it wasn’t that simple, they had to parade their obese children across the small lobby and come to a conclusion that there was only one place in the restaurant they could possibly, which was of course next to my table. I was accosted by their un-showered disgusting putrid body oder from the booth next to me. Not only were these disgusting examples of “salt of the earth” types, but the typical redneck idiots who by one conversation and a simple mannerism forced both my friend and I to leave speaking loudly as we made our exit about the sad state of the world when one can’t teach their pre-teen children to chew with their mouth closed. I lie not my friend, out of the five sitting at the table only one had their mouth closed while they were eating. It wasn’t slightly cracked mouth because you are sick and can’t breath out your nose kind of chewing. This was the “LOOK AT ME, I HAVE SHIT FALLING OUT OF MY MOUTH!” I would have like to have slapped the parents upside their fat ill mannered heads, but caution bade me otherwise. I would more than likely have pulled back a hand full of grease and maggots from these nasty bastards, who evidently did not understand that running water isn’t just for “dem fancy city folks”. Not only were the majority of this family displaying the inner workings of their mouths during the process of chewing food prior to swallowing it. They decided they must converse while chewing like cattle. Conversations around a dinner table is a fine tradition observed in many households around the world, this is one such traditions I have enjoyed from time to time myself. Though with a slightly different take on manors than which was going on next to me. My friends and family avoid talking, chewing and spitting all at the same time. Throughout their meal enough food ended up on their shirts to feed a starving family in Hatti for a month! Now for the fun part, this is the quintessential defining point that sold me on the idea that this family should never have been given the chance to create more idiots. The conversation is as follows.

Father: “Now da best kindz of foodz is smoked! Smoked ribs, smoked turkey, smoked green beans, smoked corn on da cob, smoked fish, smoked cheese, smoked....”

This guy prattled on for a several minutes all the while his children sat shoveling food into their traditionally big fat american faces with blank expressions that gave every indication that they were functioning zombies with minimal brain functionality. His wife was doing little more than agreeing with his statement that smoked everything was better than anything, ever! While of course allowing mass quantities of rice and taco sauce to fall on her size 5XL Moo Moo she decided to wear as a shirt.

It was at this point while sitting next to these people my friend and I reach our quota of stupid for the day. My friend looks at me struggling to retain the food he just ate and says “Why can’t this kid chew with his fucking mouth closed? I mean it’s fucking disgusting!” To which I respond “I can’t believe these assholes. When did it become “ok” to neglect teaching your children to chew with their mouths closed?” Those who know me know I don’t whisper things like this, neither do I yell them. I speak plainly and openly, and anyone who is not wrapped up in their world of chanting the praise of smoked foods would have heard our conversation and taken offense to us, who happen to be taking offense to this families existence. But these fine examples of prehistoric beast were so wrapped up in their topic of fire and meat that our conversation went unnoticed by them. After but a few more moments my friend looks at me and says “I think I’ll be sick if I keep watching this.” I had adverted my eyes from the creatures that should have been aborted prior to existing, but like a bad car wreck I assume he was unable to pull his gaze away. Being a kind and thoughtful person who always puts the needs of others ahead of myself as long as those needs fall in line with my own. I agreed that it was time to exit the fine eating establishment and return to a more civilized location. Though to find anything more civilized one would not need to venture further than the exit to the Taco Bell.

Upon reflection of these events I spent part of my day trying to justify their existence. To this task I failed, I could not find for one reason why these people should be there. There is little to no excuse for their lack of physical appearance, they could afford to take their children to eat, they can certainly afford to teach them how to eat with their mouths closed. These people could have certainly understood that basic hygiene is now... well rather “basic” to society. Unfortunately they seemed to have lacked the basic upper brain function to understand that they do not need to live life like savage beast who see that the greatest feats in the last 500 years was that someone had learned to smoke cheddar! I was left with thoughts bounding from areas of manual labor needs to test subjects on humans over innocent animals. none of the ideas I came up with served more than to exasperate my cognitive abilities and lead back to the first thought I had. These people should not have been allowed to breed! They seem to offer no contribution to society except to encourage population control. I thus propose that each person wanting to either conceive or adopt a child to raise as their own must subject themselves to a test to that will assist in determining the likelihood that the couple attempting to foster a child are fit to teach the child to fucking close their mouth when they chew.