Thursday, March 17, 2011

What The World Needs Now Is Less People!

I want to start by saying that if any senator or public figure actually ever reads this, I will vote for you if you propose a bill that mandates people must be IQ and sociologically tested prior to earning a permit to reproduce! That being said I want to revisit the events that have led me to a point of near regurgitation. This evening I happen to work late and after nearly 14 hours of work I wanted nothing more than something simple and quick to eat before heading home. I did not want to clean up after cooking for myself, I also felt no need to eat someplace that waited on me, so to Taco Bell I went. this choice of eateries proved to be a mistake on many levels this evening. I was joined by a friend of mine who happens to share my disdain for most of humanity and thus also suffered through the travesty of this evenings events.

First I want to touch on a sociological issue that is near and dear to my heart. Population control! Reports from a research group at the UN suggest that the total population of earth will be over nine billion by the year 2050. This fact is a disturbing thing, the task of producing enough food for that number of people is currently in question, we are in for some difficult times ahead if people continue to reproduce at this rate. A couple things to consider, if a man and a woman love each other dearly I fully support their union and hope they share many happy moments together. If that couple chooses to start a family they should be tested. Not the standard “Are you blood relative” test to attempt to avoid birth defects. But a battery of test that would approximate the likelihood of this couples offspring contributing to the fat/lazy/stupid syndrome in America particularly. What do I mean by this? Simply that if this couple both test low on an intelligence exam and also exhibit habits of a inbred stupid redneck they should both be sterilized. Of course there should be parameters that could determine if this genetic de-evolution could be above a 75% chance then obviously they should not be allowed to have children. I want you to follow along with me into the future and keep in mind two things. Stupid people often have four to seven kids, smart people typically have one, at most two and some have none at all. I think we would all agree that the future of our race is dependent upon smart and industrious children being born today. The problem lies in the math, if smart people have less children than dumb people, the dumb people will eventually outbreed the smart people and the world will be run by creatures that would make our Neanderthal ancestors look like Einstein. I do believe that some intelligence can come from unintelligent people. For instance, my parents were average at best but gave birth to a brilliant brother of mine who is finishing his PhD at a renown university. I do not pose that all idiots breeding will result in only idiots being born. But the likelihood of an increasing number of stupid idiotic fucks being born will lead to the eventual outbreeding of intelligent people. Eventually the stupid shits will be forced to take up the positions of public office and make decisions that will effect the rest of the existence.

Example: Redneck idiot raised by two redneck “good christian” idiots who think NASCAR is the best sport ever created (because it’s all about driving fast) is elected President. A simple conversation between this christian right wing redneck president and a stupid religious zealot Islamic leader, neither can or will attempt to learn about each others culture resulting in a argument that leads to a dick measuring contest. Results of such a contest is the launch of nukes and the end of humanity. All because stupid idiots were allowed to breed. Do you want that on your head? I know I don’t want to be the one responsible for allowing such an atrocity to occur, so I propose we start by regulating who can and cannot have offspring!

How did I get to the idea of population control from sitting and eating dinner at Taco Bell? It started as many other trips to a fast food restaurant, by me pulling in and hating my fat ass for stopping there but not motivated enough to actually cook something worth eating at home. The first item on my plate? Guilt with a side of hot sauce! The man taking my order, a gentleman who at first glance didn’t seem to belong working in a fast food joint. That is until I noticed the scar tissue around entry points in his arms where needless had obviously been used repeatedly. My first thought was “good for him to take a job and attempt to get his life straight!” ok you are right, that wasn’t my first thought. “Look at this mother fucking junkie, better not drop his dime bag in my fucking cinnamon twist!” Though despite his obvious setbacks he was one of the more accurate and polite employees I’ve seen in a Taco Bell. My number was given and I filled my drink, in short order my food was placed on the counter and a halfway house reject yelled at the top of his lungs “ORDER 17!” Fully aware that I was standing three feat away. Not only did I give him a look of “I hope you fucking die”, but expressed my displeasure by saying “Dude you don’t have to yell, I’m right here!” I took my tray containing my order and retreated to a booth in hopes to consume the semi-meat products that Taco Bell is passing off as actual taco meat. My friend was already in the midst of creating a cocktail out of the different taco sauces, he whips together a mix that turns to a color that reminded me of something I coughed up once while suffering from a bronchial infection. This is the same guy who will put garlic salt on everything, I mean everything! If he ate PB&J I’m sure he would add garlic salt. I of course being of a lower life form incapable of understanding that all things edible require garlic salt disregarded his idiosincrqocies as brain damage suffered durring a childhood fratricide attempt by his brother. It takes no more than two minutes before a family of five to approach the counter to order their dinner, upon hearing their voices I immediately wanted to spit my burrito out and run out of the building for fear of hearing someone praise the finery of American cheese because it’s Amrricin! (Redneck for “American”) Lucky for me it wasn’t that simple, they had to parade their obese children across the small lobby and come to a conclusion that there was only one place in the restaurant they could possibly, which was of course next to my table. I was accosted by their un-showered disgusting putrid body oder from the booth next to me. Not only were these disgusting examples of “salt of the earth” types, but the typical redneck idiots who by one conversation and a simple mannerism forced both my friend and I to leave speaking loudly as we made our exit about the sad state of the world when one can’t teach their pre-teen children to chew with their mouth closed. I lie not my friend, out of the five sitting at the table only one had their mouth closed while they were eating. It wasn’t slightly cracked mouth because you are sick and can’t breath out your nose kind of chewing. This was the “LOOK AT ME, I HAVE SHIT FALLING OUT OF MY MOUTH!” I would have like to have slapped the parents upside their fat ill mannered heads, but caution bade me otherwise. I would more than likely have pulled back a hand full of grease and maggots from these nasty bastards, who evidently did not understand that running water isn’t just for “dem fancy city folks”. Not only were the majority of this family displaying the inner workings of their mouths during the process of chewing food prior to swallowing it. They decided they must converse while chewing like cattle. Conversations around a dinner table is a fine tradition observed in many households around the world, this is one such traditions I have enjoyed from time to time myself. Though with a slightly different take on manors than which was going on next to me. My friends and family avoid talking, chewing and spitting all at the same time. Throughout their meal enough food ended up on their shirts to feed a starving family in Hatti for a month! Now for the fun part, this is the quintessential defining point that sold me on the idea that this family should never have been given the chance to create more idiots. The conversation is as follows.

Father: “Now da best kindz of foodz is smoked! Smoked ribs, smoked turkey, smoked green beans, smoked corn on da cob, smoked fish, smoked cheese, smoked....”

This guy prattled on for a several minutes all the while his children sat shoveling food into their traditionally big fat american faces with blank expressions that gave every indication that they were functioning zombies with minimal brain functionality. His wife was doing little more than agreeing with his statement that smoked everything was better than anything, ever! While of course allowing mass quantities of rice and taco sauce to fall on her size 5XL Moo Moo she decided to wear as a shirt.

It was at this point while sitting next to these people my friend and I reach our quota of stupid for the day. My friend looks at me struggling to retain the food he just ate and says “Why can’t this kid chew with his fucking mouth closed? I mean it’s fucking disgusting!” To which I respond “I can’t believe these assholes. When did it become “ok” to neglect teaching your children to chew with their mouths closed?” Those who know me know I don’t whisper things like this, neither do I yell them. I speak plainly and openly, and anyone who is not wrapped up in their world of chanting the praise of smoked foods would have heard our conversation and taken offense to us, who happen to be taking offense to this families existence. But these fine examples of prehistoric beast were so wrapped up in their topic of fire and meat that our conversation went unnoticed by them. After but a few more moments my friend looks at me and says “I think I’ll be sick if I keep watching this.” I had adverted my eyes from the creatures that should have been aborted prior to existing, but like a bad car wreck I assume he was unable to pull his gaze away. Being a kind and thoughtful person who always puts the needs of others ahead of myself as long as those needs fall in line with my own. I agreed that it was time to exit the fine eating establishment and return to a more civilized location. Though to find anything more civilized one would not need to venture further than the exit to the Taco Bell.

Upon reflection of these events I spent part of my day trying to justify their existence. To this task I failed, I could not find for one reason why these people should be there. There is little to no excuse for their lack of physical appearance, they could afford to take their children to eat, they can certainly afford to teach them how to eat with their mouths closed. These people could have certainly understood that basic hygiene is now... well rather “basic” to society. Unfortunately they seemed to have lacked the basic upper brain function to understand that they do not need to live life like savage beast who see that the greatest feats in the last 500 years was that someone had learned to smoke cheddar! I was left with thoughts bounding from areas of manual labor needs to test subjects on humans over innocent animals. none of the ideas I came up with served more than to exasperate my cognitive abilities and lead back to the first thought I had. These people should not have been allowed to breed! They seem to offer no contribution to society except to encourage population control. I thus propose that each person wanting to either conceive or adopt a child to raise as their own must subject themselves to a test to that will assist in determining the likelihood that the couple attempting to foster a child are fit to teach the child to fucking close their mouth when they chew.


  1. Those are the kind of people I grew up around and definitely you're right. Even 'till this day I try to avoid people like that, though they pop up occasionally still. Can't wait until I get to a point in my life where I can avoid them altogether.

  2. Unfortunately I don't believe that we will ever escape the disease of Rednecks. I have to simply keep telling myself that they do qualify on a genetic level as humans. But that is only after I ridicule them for being stupid for having seven cars in their front yard, of which only one runs.