Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Apocalypse Now? Maybe?

Hang your head and cry, tear out your hair and weep for the lost masses yet to come! It’s been officially announced that the end of the world will now happen on October 21, 2011. I have a plan my fellow human beings! I have a dream, a vision, a hope for a better world. On October 21 it is prophesied that the world will fall to a great destruction. It will be “quick” and we will all cease to exist. As a rational being who has seen more than just Mr. Camping’s insanity before I look forward to this day. If the apocalypse does happen then we will all be killed violently and thus cease to exist ending any frustration we might have over the doomsday clock ticking continuously for the last 2000 years or more. But! If it does NOT end I have a plan that should be taken into consideration. This is not born out of malice or hatred of the old coot, but out of a humanitarian need to assist in making this man’s life worth something. To bring some sort of validity to a man that by then will be 90 would in a sense provide me with a bit of joy and fulfillment in my life personally. So here is my plan laid out in a few simple steps.

1.ZOMBIES! ! !
2.Road Trip to Mr. Camping’s home in Alameda Ca.
4.A Hollywood company to donate thousands of gallons of fake blood and body parts!

Here is how this should go down. I submit to you that we dress as zombies the night of Oct 20 with thousands of other volunteers all in glorious zombie regalia! We march on his street dressed in gore, missing body parts and entrails dragging behind us and blood flooding the streets. But be respectful about it and remain off his lawn of course, as to not break the trespassing laws of his private property. Upon his waking he will eventually look out the window to see a street filled with walking corpses, people eating flesh and stumbling about with vacant eyes. We will need at least one person to run screaming through the crowd who will reach his porch begging asylum from the apocalypse then run away as he is opening the door. Only to be brought down and “devoured” by the zombies. This will do two things; first it will provide some much needed entertainment for me personally since work has been rather unfulfilling as of late. Second, it will fulfill his vision of the end of the world. Who knows maybe he will drop dead from the excitement and will get to “meet his maker”. Good deed of the day = DONE!

As for the rest of the believers out there that actually think this guy is right even after his botched attempt the other day, please be aware that we will do our best to take care of the earth while you are gone. If that be a few hours or years, decades, centuries or millions of years; we will do our best without you. I do have a couple requests of you before you go though. Those of us in the baby eating society called heathen atheist ask that as you depart this mortal coil you leave the doors to your residents unlocked so that we can donate your belongings to needy people, offer shelter for less fortunate, provide food an shelter for the masses of downtrodden you left behind in the wake of the Christian mass exit on Oct 21. Your cooperation will be greatly appreciated as perhaps the greatest single act of charity that the Christian community has provided the world. We do hope you have a safe trip to the afterlife and that the comet….err I mean space ship…. No that’s not it either… well whatever it is you are riding to meet god this time around. Don’t forget to bring a towel, Douglas Addams was right in saying that you never know when or how you might need a towel when you travel. With this in mind I leave you all with these words. If the world does end and those of us who happen to not believe are left behind know that it wasn’t for lack of trying on your part to convince us with your scare tactics, hate mongering, violence or continued support of TBN. It was simply because there is not enough evidence to support the idea that the world will end just because a book written by nomadic tribes in a bronze age Mesopotamia said it would. Plus it is just plain silly.

P.S. Be sure to leave the ketchup out in case your children happen to not make it in the rapture. We baby eating monsters do so love the taste of the young ones…… MMMM

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