Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Apocalypse Now? Maybe?

Hang your head and cry, tear out your hair and weep for the lost masses yet to come! It’s been officially announced that the end of the world will now happen on October 21, 2011. I have a plan my fellow human beings! I have a dream, a vision, a hope for a better world. On October 21 it is prophesied that the world will fall to a great destruction. It will be “quick” and we will all cease to exist. As a rational being who has seen more than just Mr. Camping’s insanity before I look forward to this day. If the apocalypse does happen then we will all be killed violently and thus cease to exist ending any frustration we might have over the doomsday clock ticking continuously for the last 2000 years or more. But! If it does NOT end I have a plan that should be taken into consideration. This is not born out of malice or hatred of the old coot, but out of a humanitarian need to assist in making this man’s life worth something. To bring some sort of validity to a man that by then will be 90 would in a sense provide me with a bit of joy and fulfillment in my life personally. So here is my plan laid out in a few simple steps.

1.ZOMBIES! ! !
2.Road Trip to Mr. Camping’s home in Alameda Ca.
4.A Hollywood company to donate thousands of gallons of fake blood and body parts!

Here is how this should go down. I submit to you that we dress as zombies the night of Oct 20 with thousands of other volunteers all in glorious zombie regalia! We march on his street dressed in gore, missing body parts and entrails dragging behind us and blood flooding the streets. But be respectful about it and remain off his lawn of course, as to not break the trespassing laws of his private property. Upon his waking he will eventually look out the window to see a street filled with walking corpses, people eating flesh and stumbling about with vacant eyes. We will need at least one person to run screaming through the crowd who will reach his porch begging asylum from the apocalypse then run away as he is opening the door. Only to be brought down and “devoured” by the zombies. This will do two things; first it will provide some much needed entertainment for me personally since work has been rather unfulfilling as of late. Second, it will fulfill his vision of the end of the world. Who knows maybe he will drop dead from the excitement and will get to “meet his maker”. Good deed of the day = DONE!

As for the rest of the believers out there that actually think this guy is right even after his botched attempt the other day, please be aware that we will do our best to take care of the earth while you are gone. If that be a few hours or years, decades, centuries or millions of years; we will do our best without you. I do have a couple requests of you before you go though. Those of us in the baby eating society called heathen atheist ask that as you depart this mortal coil you leave the doors to your residents unlocked so that we can donate your belongings to needy people, offer shelter for less fortunate, provide food an shelter for the masses of downtrodden you left behind in the wake of the Christian mass exit on Oct 21. Your cooperation will be greatly appreciated as perhaps the greatest single act of charity that the Christian community has provided the world. We do hope you have a safe trip to the afterlife and that the comet….err I mean space ship…. No that’s not it either… well whatever it is you are riding to meet god this time around. Don’t forget to bring a towel, Douglas Addams was right in saying that you never know when or how you might need a towel when you travel. With this in mind I leave you all with these words. If the world does end and those of us who happen to not believe are left behind know that it wasn’t for lack of trying on your part to convince us with your scare tactics, hate mongering, violence or continued support of TBN. It was simply because there is not enough evidence to support the idea that the world will end just because a book written by nomadic tribes in a bronze age Mesopotamia said it would. Plus it is just plain silly.

P.S. Be sure to leave the ketchup out in case your children happen to not make it in the rapture. We baby eating monsters do so love the taste of the young ones…… MMMM

Friday, May 20, 2011

It's The End Of The World As We Know It, And I Feel Fine.

Judgment day is here! Bring out your dead! Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war! Have a Coke and a candy bar! Ah fuck I’m out. May 21, 2011 is upon us and according to Harold Camping we are all about to be screwed! All the Christians are going to be raptured away. That is right, in less than 24 hours all (myself included) the heathen, Jew, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist, Mormon, neo Nazi, queers and atheist will all be boned right in the butt! Yes it is time for all the Tea Party members… wait… Uhh REPUBLICANS…… no, not just them…. Hang on I have this written down somewhere…. Oh Ignorant blind Christian pigs who can be observed in their natural habitat of shouting hate at gay rallies will finally get to go to heaven! By heaven I mean going to bed tomorrow night with the taste of anticipation only to wake May 22, 2011 to find they are forced to say “FUCK, I got that one wrong.”
The Doomsayers have been out in force lately spouting the end is near. This is something many of us are very familiar with, especially those who have grown up in the Midwest. It was the side dish with every meal, a thought provoking piece to ponder over while eating. I remember as a child hearing my mother say “Adam, eat all your peas because Jesus could come back any moment and you might not get to go because you didn’t finish your peas like I told you too. That is disobeying your parents and that’s a sin!” Looking into those fishbowl eyes of hers I felt two things, first was the urge to pick my plate up and throw it against the wall while screaming “You are a fucking liar, I haven’t finished my peas in six months and look Jesus still hasn’t come!” The second was that sideways glance too dad who simply looked over rolled his eyes and said “Son, just eat your food.” My over active imagination though would from time to time kick in and I would find myself imagining my family members one by one flying through the roof of our tiny house ripping holes in the ceiling, severing arms and legs as they are pulled through the wood and shingles. I would suddenly find myself eating slower thinking “I don’t want to go in the rapture unless I am outside!” But like any child you have doubt in your own thinking and eventually start to think that mom might be right and a fear of living for seven whole long eternal years on earth without my mom would be impossible to survive; Especially knowing that at the end of the seven years if I was not already dead I would get killed anyway! If you asked me now how I would feel about seven years without mom telling me I need to eat the peas on my plate I wouldn’t be able to say “sign me up” fast enough.
Back to Harold Camping! This chap was born July 19, 1921 and claims to know when the world will end. Yes if you are wondering this is the same Harold Camping who claimed that September 6th 1994 would be the end of the world as well. He has since retracted that statement saying his math was off. He believes he has cracked the ultimate question by math, and for that I say “congrats… quack”. This is not to discredit the work of mathematicians, in fact I believe that the world has and will continue to run on mathematics. Nerds stay strong! We need your braininess! Harold though is a different sort, a graduate from University of California with a degree in civil engineering. An impressive degree to those of us normal folk who do well to balance a personal budget at home. I would almost give him credit for his mathematics if it weren’t for the simple fact that he is a quack. So much so that virtually every major Christian group have disavowed his fanatical approach to the end of the world. I was tempted to chalk this up to him being rather old and going senile 89 year old, except that he has been making predictions and outlandish claims since 1988. Now for those who are doing the math in your head that was 23 years ago which would have made him on this date in 1988 sixty six years old. At 66 Harold should have still had his wits and full faculty of his cognitive reasoning, which leads me to now believe that he has been a quack long before his launch into the public eye. Mr. Camping claims that May 21, 2011 will be the start of the end of the world, the day when all pre-chosen Christians will rapture into heaven leaving us unworthy behind to suffer until the end. Mr. Camping has been kind enough to let us know that our “end” will come on October 21, to be honest I feel slightly cheated of time. The bible offers at least seven years of tribulation prior to the end! But perhaps Harold just doesn’t care since he will be gone tomorrow anyway.
Personally I find this exciting, I am inclined to have a Rapture Party! I want to gather all my Christian friends together, believers and none believers waiting for that fateful moment when bodies go flying though roofs and through windshields! I’d be excited to see them get what they have hoped, prayed and begged for all the years to come to pass. But my skepticism prevents me from really believing. Either way though it could be fun, beer bratwurst and bodies flying through roofs.. My place May 21, 2011 we will keep the party going till the Christians are gone! Really I think it could be fun! Besides if it doesn’t work out I will be offering counseling sessions on coping without a god.
P.S. BYOB! Don’t drink mine ya bastards!