Holy Mathematics Batman! I could work at Starbucks!

So I enjoy coffee, in fact I really enjoy good coffee. In the tiny town I live, we are fortunate to have a Starbucks inside our local grocery store. It’s the one saving grace of this town for me. The other local coffee shop here is less than savory in my humble opinion. So as I often do I stopped in the other day to pick up a bit of overpriced refreshment and enjoy a quiet moment to myself before I started my work day. Then everything went wrong.

So as you know it’s back to school time and that means that a new crop of fresh young pimply faced youth to work the registers at the local fast food and eateries around town. Now I understand that the youth of America need to have the experience of earning a paycheck. I understand that this is where so many of the great corporate people start. A simple job exchanging funds in simple transactions that help create the backbone of the American financial system. But this also, might I remind you is the place where total dumbasses work! For instance I stopped the other day for a fresh cup of java and noticed that a different teenager was working the counter and I thought little of it as the school season is upon us. I place my order with the young man who I assumed was listening to what I was saying after asking me what he could get me. He looks at me and says “uh, what was that order?” This is a bad start I think to myself. Lets just say I have little patients with people who are morons. I have even less with people who are doing a job that impacts me while they are being a moron. I bite my tongue though to keep from telling this young man that he needs to cut his hair, stand up straight, don’t say “uh” at the begining of his sentence and for Buddha’s sakes! STOP smoking so much pot that your short term memory is impacted to the point that you can’t remember that I just ordered a grande, none fat, light foam, shots on the bottom, caramel macchiato! Now you might say Adam that is a bit much to remember for a simple drink, I say to you. YOU WEREN’T THERE SO BACK OFF, IT’S MY COFFEE AND IT WAS 7AM! ! ! So now that we are on the same page lets resume. After I stare holes into this kids face with a look that only a moron wouldn’t realize was me trying to restrain the demon inside of me screaming for vengeance for the offence against me of not remembering the order of a grande, none fat, light foam, shots on the bottom, caramel macchiato. A demon begging me to smash this kid’s face with the empty paper cup he is holding in one hand and using the sharpie held in his other to stab him with. I say as nicely as I can without telling him he’s a total idiot and should never be allowed to speak again, “I would like a Grande, None Fat, Light Foam, Shots on the bottom, Caramel Macchiato please”. The next question was “what do you mean shots on the bottom?” At this I truly contemplate killing the young man, its early and I am not in the mood to teach a person who is tasked with making coffee beverages how to make a FUCKING CARAMEL MACCHIATO! Even if it was slightly complicated. He should know that shots on the bottom means to put the expreso shots in before he puts in the steamed milk. By this time their was a line forming behind me of other groggy eyed patrons who were no less happy about the situation as they were noticing the issue of moronitis I was experiencing with the young man at the counter. I realize with this many people watching that hiding the body might be a problem. So I explain through gritted teeth how to make the drink and I politely wait. He starts to make the drink and realizes he hasn’t taken my money for the order as of yet. So he stops what he is doing and comes back to the register and says “$4.18 please” I think to myself, holy shit Batman! He actually said something right! I hand the lad $5.20 so he doesn’t have to count out much change and also lighten my pocket a bit from extra coins that would be handed to me.
This is when I should have realized that I would have been better off just going back home, planting a garden, growing my own coffee beans, roasting them and then brewing my own cup of coffee. He takes the money and pushes the buttons on the machine which makes all the beepy noises that announces to everyone that Starbucks is sticking it to us little guys by charging us a ridiculous price for a product that cost them less than .50 cents to make. Go team capitalist pigs! This is when this young person’s brain decided that it was too early for any mathematics and turned off. The drawer pops open and the kid stares at the all the shiny pieces of metal in with the paper that has all the funny pictures of people on them in green and grey colors. I say that because that was the only look that was evident on his face. Clearly by his reaction to the prospect of being given $5.20 for a bill that was $4.18 was so complex for his young educated mind that it just turned the fuck off. So this now brain dead vegetable is trying to figure out how much change I should get back. Clearly all that was going through his adolescent brain was “OOOOOO shiny!” So he picks up a few coins and checks the weight of them in his hand, at least this is what I think he was attempting to do. I thought perhaps in his backwards thinking mind he was trying to figure out why each coin was a different shape, size and weight. But no he was actually trying to count change! (atta boy, keep trying to do your job even if your brain has decided to go into a coma for a while) The coins in his hand he places back into the drawer and contemplates the difficult mathematic equation before him. Suddenly a light turns on above his head, he springs to action and pulls several coins from the till and with a smile on his face he offers them to me like a trophy. I look at him, then to the coins, then back to his face. “Where did you learn to count change?” I asked. “Uh, what?” he said again. By now there are about five people behind me. So I know I can't harm the kid and I know these poor souls were about to step into a situation that some would not be able to handle without yelling at this boy. So I decide to do his job for him and say “my change should be $1.02. I gave you $5.20 and the bill was $4.18. Simple math says that would equal a difference of $1.02. That is the amount that you should have in your hand, not the $0.78 you currently hold. “Uh, um… oh ok”. He pulls the correct change from the cash drawer and hands it to me then goes to make my drink at which point he says……. "what was that drink again" I wanted to kill him.

How the hell are we raising a gernation that can’t even do simple math? I suck at math but I can add and subtract! I mean if this is the kind of kids that are being raised today and will one day be serving me a burger and a beer (lets face it, this kid won’t be any CEO… EVER) I may never eat out again. Why do all the dumbasses start their day by screwing up mine? But the good news is that if the economy keeps going the way it is going, I might just have a future in counting change for little Timmy working at Starbucks.