Smurf Hollywood for ruining my childhood!

Hollywood, you’ve destroyed my childhood.

Ah the 1980’s, golden time of cocaine and yuppies! For some of us though it was a time of joy found in the form of cartoons. Hollywood, being the demons they are; have decided that those with expendable income is those who remember the 80’s! Those of us who have fond memories of the 80’s, those of us who are now watching our childhood trashed by those things we loved being brought to the big screen. Yes I grew up watching Transformers, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, G.I. Joe, Ducktales, Rescue Rangers, Smurfs, The GummiBears and many more. We have seen Hollywood abuse things people have loved for decades like Batman and turn them into a laughing stock of motion pictures. When George Clooney became batman I had lost faith that I would see a good superhero movie in my lifetime. (Thank the asteroids that Christopher Nolan redeemed the franchise.) I have seen comic books I loved as a child turned into movies that embarrassed the hell out of me to admit I watched. I have seen them turn He-Man into a live action film in the late 80’s that was a total disaster! Evidently they thought that since He-Man came out in the 70’s it was ok to turn it into a movie and make anyone how actually saw it feel like a total idiot. I think they actually put something in the film that taught us to be dumber after seeing it. Do you remember when they announced that they were doing the first Spiderman movie? Yeah I got excited for about half a second until I saw that they did to create the Green Goblin. When Xmen came around, I was super excited it being one of my favorite comic books growing up. Xmen didn’t disappoint me for the most part, I had my complaints about it but what fan wouldn’t. The comic book movies are actually doing a decent run for some of them. But as for what Hollywood has done to two of my most precious cartoons of my childhood, it can only be described as a desecration! A mockery of anything that once was held as good and pure, a failure to realize that some things shouldn’t be revisited and should be left as a memory of something special. But what the do the fat pompous assholes in Hollywood do? They say lets take Transformers and G.I. Joe and “reboot” them! That sounds like a good idea! It sounds like we are taking the good things that were in those cartoons that millions of kids in the 80’s loved and make them better! How should we do this one executive asks another. By taking a giant crap and putting it on film and calling it Transformers and G.I. Joe! Lets take Transformers and make it more modern, lets take Prime and turn him into a pussy, kids understand people who are wimps. Lets turn Bumble Bee into a sports car because kids like sports cars. Lets be sure we have a stereotypical “black” guy for a robot and lets make sure he dies because that will just seem sad but not so sad that the kids can’t handle it, “black” people die all the time in Africa, kids see those commercials so it would be fine for them to see the car that is voiced by a African American actor to be ripped apart and carried around at the end of the movie and have the pussyfied Prime say a couple cheap words about him being a good friend. Oh but don’t worry we can do anything we want, we will get the guy who actually did the voice of Prime in the cartoon to come back and that will make this film legit! The other executive looks at the first and says BRILIANT! ! ! Hire Michael Bay! ! ! He makes crappy movies where things blow up! ! ! We will be so Fucking RICH! ! ! Wait wait wait! ! ! Lets make a second one as fast as possible and make it even worse that the first one and make next to no sense and have the dumb people of America pay to see how much more we can screw with their childhoods by making a movie about robots that have next to nothing to do with the real Transformers and just call it transformers so that we can suckle some more money off the youths teats. Sorry, had a momentary lapse where my imagination takes off, I have to stop myself from going further because in these imaginings I always show up in them and murder the executives in the most brutal way my mind can think of at the time.

If you are wondering, yes I just saw G.I. Joe and I nearly threw up all over the head of the 14 year old in front of me who was loving the show. I sat though this movie watching my beloved cartoon characters of my halcyon days of youth turned into the joke a movie written by 17 year olds who think that everyone just wants to see girls tits and hear fart jokes and watch things blow up. Don’t get me wrong, the girls were about the only thing that kept me from punching the little bastard in front of me right in his puffy pubis head. I’m not kidding this kid would make these noises every time one of the girls in the movie came on screen, it was like he had never seen a pair of tits before and was blowing his load in his pants just from a girl in a sports bra. If you haven’t checked this is a PG-13 movie and it didn’t get it rating from exposed flesh, it got it from violence. But being a man I was also drawn to the over emphasized boobage and was able to control the urge to thump the kid because part of me was thinking things that shouldn’t be thought in a movie surrounded by youth. But aside from the cleavage factor there was little redeeming about this film, not to mention they only took a few catch lines, names and title from the cartoon. Other than that there was very little in common with the cartoon of the 80’s.

Being a somewhat rational person… Stop laughing, I know I’m not that sane but I think myself to be rational. Being a person of thought I told myself that this is a reinvention of a story of good versus evil, this is a chance for a younger generation to experience something of the past that was created to encourage young people to support the military when they reached the age of enlistment. That was until I pulled my head out off my ass and remembered that Hollywood made this film and want only to put their tiny grubby sticky fingers in our pockets and rip out our money, slap us in the face, laugh at us and run away! Hollywood doesn’t care if the youth are encouraged to join the military so they make up these machines that can do amazing things and then put idiots in them and make it seem like what the army does is a fun romp in the park full of gadgets that make you almost superhuman. Oh and none of the good guys really die! Plus you can fly from Russia to Washington DC in like six minutes. Yeah…….. Hollywood has defiled my youth.

Now for those of us who actually really remember these cartoons, you might be saying to yourself. What the hell is your problem Adam? Those cartoons really sucked if you’d go back and watch them! Well the truth is that I have gone back and watched them, they do suck. They were horrible cartoons, they had lousy writers, the animation was subpar, the storylines were beyond weak and there is little redeeming about them. THAT’S BESIDE THE POINT PEOPLE! They are my goddamn cartoons and I want them to remain perfect in my imperfect brain! Hell I’m waiting for the Smurfs to be made into movie! No you sick bastard, not because I want to see Smurfett get gangbanged by all the little blue Smurfs while Papa Smurf gives advice on how to do it properly. Oh shut up, you know you’ve thought that! Come on she is the only female in the whole freaking town! Of course you are going to think she is a whore! But I want to see them put a spin on it, I really do! I want them to make Smurfett a Lesbian! Come on that would be awesome! They could defeat Gargamel only to realize that their race will die because the only girl left is a lezzie! Screen fades to black, image opens with a scene of Smurfs decaying all over their town. The last Smurf Smurfs his last Smurfy breath and “Fin” Movie ends! Tragedy of the Smurfs, the Smurf who wouldn’t Smurf another Smurf to save a Smurfy race! OMG I have issues…… The bad part is I’m not even high writing this, hell I’m not even drunk! I’m calling a therapist on Monday.