Monday, January 25, 2010

I want to cook marshmellows over my laptops burning corpse.

I had every intention of writing about my world tour experiment, but I can't. Forces beyond my control have vexed me greatly and destroyed my PC's hard drive containing all of my wicked stories. Perhaps it is the cosmos giving me a warning not to air my dirty laundry to the world. Maybe it is a higher power smiting me for the life I've led up till now. Perhaps it's Jesus getting back at me for turning him into a zombie. I might believe one of those things if I were an irrationally irrational person, but I'm not. I'm a rationally irrational person who knows that my pc crashed due to the excessive amount of use I've given it, the streaming of many hours of porn, illegal media and stolen software downloaded from sites that give you warnings "THIS MAY CONTAIN VIRUS" or "USE AT YOUR OWN RISK". My dumbass decided that the risk was worth taking and it finally bit me in the ass. I say all this to announce that I will not be posting the story of Erika at this point, perhaps in the near future I will be able to continue that. My dilemma is that I am without a word processing software with which to write. So, I apologize in advance for any writing errors that are so blatant a monkey would look at them and say "what fucking dumbass wrote this pointless shit?"

I never realized how much I rely on my laptop until I arrived home after a shitty week at the office. By shitty, I literally mean there was shit I had to deal with throughout the week. Busted toilets and pipes and….. Anyway it was fucking nasty. Beyond that ordeal work has been rather busy with conversions and shift changes. But I will not bore you with details regarding my actual mundane existence. I want to share the pain I went through to prove something I discovered when this happened. I am a rationally irrational human with emotions! I have been called cold hearted son of a bitch, and I proudly said "thank you". I've been told I have the emotional capacity of a lunch box, to which I replied "Never heard you complain about the meat in that lunch box!" (Yes, that relationship lasted about nine seconds after that statement.) I've been told that I had to be one of the most callous people one individual had ever met. After a few years of hearing this I began to believe some of those statement and learned to accept myself for who I was, a cold uncaring lunchbox. The only bright point I could take away with regards to this is that my lunchbox at least had the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on it, no I'm not talking about my underwear. But upon pushing the power button on my Dell laptop and hearing the death rattle of my hard drive my heart sank. The black screen had a simple message on it, "C:\WINDOWS\SYSTEM32.EXE ERROR….FUCK YOU, I HOPE YOU GET ASS HERPIES" Actually the "fuck you" I added but that's what I read when this error appeared on the screen. My stomach did that flip flop thing where you think you are going to shit and puke at the same time but not sure which will come first, then I took a deep breath. It hit me, I had lost over five years of my personal thoughts, stolen music, movies, TV shows both legally downloaded and otherwise, and my stash of nine billion gigs of porn. I sat in my dining room chair as a crushed man. The weight I felt at that point must have been akin to Shawn Fanning after being told that his Napster software was illegal and he was fucked by the government with no lube. Go republicans! I sat in the chair, fingers hovering over my keyboard frantically thinking back to my days of working with PC's for a living with Gateway before they went belly up like a goldfish without food for a week. I pressed the enter, more out of a lack of other options and disbelief than anything else and the response was "FUCK YOU ASSHOLE, WHAT PART OF I HOPE YOU GET ASS HERPIES DID YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?" I tried the restore disk option from the software that came with the pc, but it refused to work. I attempted to "Re-install" windows file "system32.exe" that came back with the message "OK YOU PRICK, I SWEAR TO ASTROPHYSICS THAT I WILL KICK YOU IN THE LEFT TESTICAL IF YOU TRY THAT AGAIN." I was left with the only option I could fathom…format and reload the hard drive in the hope that I could at least salvage the laptop and attempt to use it until I could purchase a new system. At that precise moment I realized something, I felt something, I embraced something. I had an emotion! Grant it this emotion was to punch the laptop throw it in the yard, get my sledge hammer and smash it into a million pieces then light the fucker on fire and watch it burn, maybe roast a marshmallow over it. But it was an emotion none the less! I realized that what my ex girlfriends, mother and priest had said to me were all lies! I felt emotions! I felt rage, loss and a desire for a marshmallow! It was a bitter sweet moment as I came back to the reality that the four blogs I was currently working on were completely lost and my timeline I had built is now lost and nearly a months worth of work had been destroyed by a simple file being broken. Sadness was experienced next, then the thought of a new laptop brought on the emotion of greed, I wanted a new laptop and I wanted it right then. Mostly so I could actually set fire to my current broken laptop and enjoy a tasty marshmallow, but still it was another emotion felt by me, a cold unfeeling bastard.

So to those of you who think your spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, fuckbuddy or friend is incapable of feeling emotion. Break their laptop and see what happens. You might get the message of "FUCK YOU, I HOPE YOU GET ASS HERPIES YOU SON OF A BITCH."


  1. Stage 6 of Grief: Eat tasty marshmellow. I LIKE IT!!!!

  2. I am thinking about making it into a Tshirt.