Monday, October 26, 2009

What I learned from Saturday morning cartoons (or why I masterbate to the bible)

I think I’ve figured out why I’m screwed up a bit. I recently was on YouTube watching retarded people make fools of themselves and came across a few clips from early cartoons I watched as a kid on Saturday morning. I would watch them before my parents would wake and demand I read the bible to cleanse myself from the evils of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. They in turn would watch some television program that promoted shady morals on a cruise ship that “helped” people fall in love….. (yeah right, the base of that show was “come to our boat and shag! We don’t mind!”) While they watched their innuendo’s of sex, drugs and capitalism I would be “forced” to read a few scripture from the “holy bible”. Did you know that if you use your imagination the bible if full of really fun stuff? There are stories of mass genocide, fratricide, orgies and even a guy named Lot who to be the “good guy” and protect the angels from the horny city folk that wanted to have sex with them tossed his daughters to the mob to be raped over and over again! Such a cool book when you have an imagination like mine! I’m pretty sure my parents never thought I would be reading the bible and thinking “you know, this needs pictures because I bet that Lot’s daughters were topless!” Nothing like being ten and getting off to the stories in the bible! I sit here and I compare the cartoons that are on tv right now with the insanity that is available in the form of Spongebob and I find it is less intelligent than the cartoons of the golden era of Bugs Bunny. Squarepants bounces off the wall while laughing at the simple things like bubbles for much longer than is healthy for anyone to laugh at a bubble, Bugs Bunny on the other hand would violently harm Elmer Fudd or convince him that it was actually duck season and then Daffy would loose his bill because Fudd shot his face off. Neither of these impacted me as a child, I did watch Looney Toon’s and enjoyed them. But my diet of cartoons was rooted in Transformers, G.I. Joe, He Man and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I want to take a few minutes to talk about what I learned no through these shows but because of these shows. Looking back I was unaware of the damage these Saturday mornings would do to me and the outcome of them twenty years later.

Transformers is a timeless story of good vs. evil. Two opposing forces seeking the same thing but going about it in very different ways, the autobots working along side the humans while the decepticons attempt to take through force what they want and in the process destroy their foe.
Lets take a look at the stuff I really learned from that show. I learned that semi trucks were all giant robots that if you watched enough of them one would turn into a big robot with guns. That seems all fine except that for some reason I always felt like it was trying to tell me that I needed to have a bigger penis than the next guy or the bad giant robots would kick my ass. I learned that physics meant nothing at all since Megatron was just as tall as Optimus Prime, but transformed into a pistol that fit in Starscreams hand. Let me tell you that fucked me up when I started to learn geometry! But seeing as my parents in their infinite wisdom knew my education would be superior if I was home schooled with an emphasis on divine design we didn’t focus much on the small details like geometry. But instead they focused on the evils that the cartoons taught us! The teenage mutant ninja turtles were a direct result of science gone wrong and were evolved creatures they were obviously anti-Christian and should be condemned. My mother would preach to me that God did not and would not ever allow something like a turtle to evolve to a point to communicate intelligently because that would be a blaspheme to the work he did by making humans out of dirt! The flaw I always found was that if we were made of dirt by a divine creator who is infinitely more intelligent than any of us dumb asses why did mom always try to stop her children from eating dirt? If we were made of it why not consume more of that thing to grow? This made sense my five year old brain simply because I hadn’t been exposed to the idea of cannibalism. Though there were times I did think about roasting my siblings and serving them for dinner when I was very angry. Of course when mother found me to have thoughts of murder and fratricide I was simply possessed by a devil and she would pray for me. This proved to be very effective because I always got really weirded out by people praying to the empty space of air asking for the thing inside me to go away. So to me they were asking for my soul to be taken away and as a five year old that was a terrifying thing. I had been told after all that my soul would be the only thing to make it to heaven or hell in the end and if they were asking it to leave then I would be just screwed! But all that to say that there were many times when the TV was turned off because it contradicted what the church said the bible commanded. But there were other times when my parents just didn’t care… with that I was always confused. It was bad last Saturday but this Saturday it’s not because they she wanted to sleep in late. But on the occasions I was reprimanded for watching inappropriate television I would be sent to my room with my bible in hand to “meditate” on the word of God. About the age of ten when a boy starts to discover himself and the opposite sex I had no instruction in the ways of the birds and the bee’s besides the bible. Let me tell you it is a bad instruction manual for telling a guy how to get a girl. First off the poetry in the Song of Solomon were great and if you have an imagination like mine they were simply pornographic! But it didn’t help me pick up any chick. Many times while reading I would feel a stirring in my “loins” as they say while reading about how so and so lay together in a green pasture. I was sheltered from the secular world but sex was not something far from my mind even at the age of ten. I may be the only person in the world who wanked off to images conjured from the bible but I doubt it. There are many other oppressed and repressed young men out there with no other form of sex, violence and guilt besides the bible and I am just one of the only ones who will admit what they did. For instance let me just quote a few lines from the Song of Solomon sometimes called the Song of Songs. This is from the King James Bible.

Chapter 1 verse 2
2Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine.

Hmm when I read this I can’t help but be confused about Solomon’s sexuality. This did not turn me on…. I was disappointed. Lets read on though.

3Because of the savour of thy good ointments thy name is as ointment poured forth, therefore do the virgins love thee.

This verse on the other hand was juicy in my mind. But I had to hope it was talking of girls and not guys, even at the age ten I knew I was straight. So I just pretended it was aimed from a girl’s point of view written by a guy who obviously had sexual identity issues. But “the savour of thy good ointment thy name is as ointment poured forth” I am pretty sure he was writing about a blow job here… (I’ll let you figure out what I was thinking about when he wrote “ointment”) “Therefore do the virgins love thee.” So to me it meant this guy was hung like a horse. Yep so blowjob for this guy… so far good stuff for an ancient porn.

4Draw me, we will run after thee: the king hath brought me into his chambers: we will be glad and rejoice in thee, we will remember thy love more than wine: the upright love thee.

Let me translate this into The New Living Translation of Adam! “I am drawn to the king, I’ve longed for him. The king bought me to his bed and we screamed our brains out while we had wild monkey sex! I will always remember riding him reverse cowgirl style!” Damn that’s some hot sex! At least that is how I read it even at the age of ten!

5I am black, but comely, O ye daughters of Jerusalem, as the tents of Kedar, as the curtains of Solomon.

Holy shit! This is interracial porn! It’s jungle fever for this crazy Jew in the story! Yeah for bible porn!

6Look not upon me, because I am black, because the sun hath looked upon me: my mother's children were angry with me; they made me the keeper of the vineyards; but mine own vineyard have I not kept.

Damn she is shy! That’s ok, I like shy girls… and what’s this? “They made me the keeper of vineyards, but mine own vineyard have I not kept” Oh she is a slut! SWEET!

7Tell me, O thou whom my soul loveth, where thou feedest, where thou makest thy flock to rest at noon: for why should I be as one that turneth aside by the flocks of thy companions?

She got some lovin and now she wants more of it. If you don’t get that she is asking for a noon quickie you have no imagination.

8If thou know not, O thou fairest among women, go thy way forth by the footsteps of the flock, and feed thy kids beside the shepherds' tents.

Ok he’s game, he wants to see her, but this is a secret love affair so they have to be discreet. Now as a ten year old boy it didn’t take much to get me going, this so far was a kinky freaky farm porn in my mind.

9I have compared thee, O my love, to a company of horses in Pharaoh's chariots.

This verse scares me, I’m pretty sure I said this guy must have been hung like a horse and she evidently agrees. She says though that she compared him to a company of horses…. I sometimes wondered if she meant that she had also shagged the horses as well. If that is the case then the bible is way crazier than every preacher in the world thinks. This might just be some hardcore bestiality.

10Thy cheeks are comely with rows of jewels, thy neck with chains of gold.

This… I’ll leave this to your imagination. Man you have a dirty mind…. I thought I was bad.

11We will make thee borders of gold with studs of silver.

I can’t help but think about strange piercings all over her, my personal thought… nipple rings.

12While the king sitteth at his table, my spikenard sendeth forth the smell thereof.

Did she just call her vagina a “spikenard”? that is one crazy kinky name for a vagina. I’ve heard calling it “kitty” or a few other names, but “spikenard”? wow! (for those who don’t know a spikenard is a herb from the ginseng family.)

13A bundle of myrrh is my well-beloved unto me; he shall lie all night betwixt my breasts

Can you say money shot! So not only does these few verses talk about the reverse cowgirl position, interracial sex, pet names for vagina, comparing a guy to the size of a horse but to top it off they basically say that he blew his load and they stayed in between her mammoth boobs! Yeah I made up that she has mammoth boobs but you would too ok.

As you can see for me the bible was a fun book to read, so when I got in trouble I had no problem being entertained by “holy scripture”.

If you think I’m going to hell, you might be right. But if I am I’ll see you there because I know you were laughing at some point of this blog. Just think, this all came from me watching cartoons on Saturday morning. I might have turned out a little more normal if mom had just let me watch my fucking Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!


  1. Some crazy black guy named SamadOctober 26, 2009 at 9:18 PM

    I would say that you are out of your mind, but that would mean that I am crazy too. So, in saying that. If the bible has premarital, interracial, slave girl(black slave girl), hardcore sex. Why be selebit? If hardcore slave girl sex is in the bible, it must be a good thing.

    Next thing you'll hear is interracial couples aren't christian. Oh wait, I have heard that.

    P.S. Transformers, G.I. Joe and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is the Shit!!!!!!!!!!!!

  2. Ok, where is my vibrator? It got me going......

  3. You definitely don't have a sick and twisted mind half of what I was reading I was thinking in my head basically what you had there also. That is hilarious.. and I have to agree with Samad that those cartoons are the shit, mainly TMNT but that's just me eh? Good Read though Adam that was awesome

  4. really need to get a wife! Your blog reminds al that guys are sexual beings and are perfectly normal for being such beings. Sex is awesome! Why wouldn't Solomon want some too?!!! (Um, weird, did I just say all that?!)